Researchers Going Bananas

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In the heat of WW2, amidst chaos, anarchy, and a general spread of terror, it was Winston Churchill who proudly stood on the podium and with grim determination, said, “Alas, if only we knew the stability of freeze-dried bananas, we could have lived without fear.”

Well, ok, ok…. Actually, he said something way cooler; something like “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”; but he could have just as easily included the banana remark somewhere there. That would have been really considerate of him. I could have started this note with a true quote instead of a made-up one.

But I’m not one to hold grudges. I’ll make do with what I have. I am, as you can see, more flexible than a drunken slinky.

But I’m straying from the point. I tend to do that at times. To get back on track, today’s topic: Freeze Dried Bananas… Yes, freeze dried bananas are all the rage today. They are being studied rather studiously and documented religiously. Some of you may think that this is an experiment worth little or no merit, but you would be wrong. The turnout of this experiment would have a phenomenal, drastic, or slight effect on the university grades of my cousin, Lilia Bruno.

As we speak (or rather, as I type), she has her hands full… hands full of bananas at subzero temperatures, ardently making ‘state diagrams’ using a ‘D.S.C.’ to take ‘glass transition temperatures’ which she uses to predict the banana’s stability during storage. But it is not as simple as you may think. In her own words, which I caution may be filled with technical jargon you may find difficult to grasp, she is also considering ‘a lot of other parameters’ in addition to temperature…

This experiment has wide spread implications, stretching beyond her academics… I am referring to the fact that I have actively started calling her Dr. Banana. Surprisingly enough, she does NOT appreciate this.

True to her spirit, she remains fastidiously serious about the experiment, choosing to ignore irritating song parodies made by her cousin involving ‘Banana Mama’ and ‘Hasta Banána’… The project itself is shrouded in secrecy, the results and observations being ‘withheld until a suitable date’. Apparently the world isn’t ready for the truth yet. But Dr. Banana has assured me that there is no immediate danger from freeze dried bananas, and that we could all go around our regular routines in peace. This heartening assurance has managed to quell my nightmares of giant mutant bananas shouting “So, you like milkshakes, do you? Eat THIS!! KABAAM!” As a token of my gratitude, I should probably stop calling her Dr. Banana. She really hates that name.

The actual reason for secrecy, she says, is that the paper isn’t published yet, and she doesn’t want the concept to be stolen. I can understand her concern. People would stop at nothing to get their hands on this study. This stuff is dynamite. If the findings leaked to the press somehow, there would be widespread panic.

“Tonight, CNN special report. Bananas… What REALLY happens in the freezer?… Watch, as we go live… behind the turkey and past the ice cream… ”

The only other information Dr. Banana could divulge about the study was that she had compared the freeze dried bananas with regular, fresh bananas. Beyond this fascinating fact, I was unable to get any further information from her, despite my best strong arm tactics. I even threatened to publicly call her ‘Dr. Banana’. Did I mention that she really REALLY hates that name?

I, for one, am eagerly waiting for the results. I have to confess…I’m curious. Curiosity may have killed the cat, sure, but I think it’s a worthy sacrifice for unlocking one of the great mysteries of nature. As long as it’s not a cat I personally know, I think I’ll be ok with my curiosity killing cats. Hey, what my curiosity does in its spare time, I have no trouble with. Not that I condone its rather senseless acts, mind you. If it really HAD to kill someone, I’m sure it could have found something / someone more worthy than some random cat. After all, in today’s political… Aww, crap. I’m straying from the point again…

Well, what I mean to say is simply that I am curious about the results…I have a sneaking suspicion that one of the major findings is that under normal laboratory conditions, the freeze dried bananas are cooler than the regular, fresh ones.

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1 Response

  1. Lilia says:

    for the last time..I am NOT Dr Banana!!!!!!!!

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