My Purpose In Life…
People come to me incessantly, asking about my purpose in life… And if you think it is OK for people to come to you incessantly for something, you obviously have never had people come to you incessantly. And when they start grilling you on the purpose of your life, their primal motive is to make you feel about as useful as a chewed wad of bubble gum. More often than not, they put these queries in more colorful tones, such as;
“Hamish, what IS your purpose in life, besides wasting oxygen that I could have used?”
“Hamish, are you planning your life properly, or are you going to drift through it like an F1 racecar without a steering wheel?”
“Is there a goal you’ve set for yourself, Hamish, or do you feel watching movies while spewing half chewed popcorn out the side of the mouth is good enough for you?”
Hearing all these tactful, sensitive, and thought-provoking voices of genuine concern has led me to think, “Dang! My purpose in life might be a good thing to write about.”
These questions wouldn’t bother me if I were prepared for it; but usually, I answer them with the eloquence of a Taiwanese cattle farmer responding to queries on advanced molecular biology… asked in French. Hence my natural inclination, had I been given the power, would be to have such questions shot, quartered, split, shattered, and reframed to form sentences like “Hey, Hamish. Nice to see ya here. I gotta go now. Catch ya later.” But then again, twisting people’s words may not be the best course of action if I want to keep friendships healthy. The next best alternative, then, would be to be prepared with the answer…
I do have a purpose in life. There IS a planned goal. Thought the untrained eye may not see it, I AM ambitious… in fact, I may even be overambitious.
My plan; my ultimate goal; my purpose in life, like that of a few irrational and many fictional characters before me, is world domination. Complete and utter world domination. Now the question that possibly springs to your mind is “What do I have for dinner tonight? Dare I try a weird sounding dish like ‘La Carpe deFleur’?” For people who were paying attention to what I wrote, however, the question is more probably in the tune of “World domination? How is that fatso planning to pull that off?” Unlike Dr. No, Goldfinger, Darth Vader and the other visionaries, I have a rational plan.
Unbeknownst to the world at large, I am currently recruiting for two strong factions where I would be undisputed ruler by divine right… The first one, The Legion Of Laze, or LOL to its members, would take some work, cos so far, members are too lazy to come to a meeting. My other group, The Fatman’s Club, is faring much better. It is being groomed to be my personal secret weapon; my ultimate tool for the goal of world domination.
One day, when they least expect it (tentatively at 10:30 a.m., July 5th, 2015), we shall muscle in – or rather, fat in – to the UN assembly, grunt at the assembled world leaders, and politely force them to declare me the undisputed world leader. If they fail to comply, members of The Fatman’s Club, each of whom shall rival the mass of a compact nuclear silo, shall threaten to sit on a world leader of their choice.
Personally, I do not see a flaw in the plan.
By the way, since I have told you the plan, I urge you, for reasons of health (yours), to keep it to yourself. If you break this vow of secrecy, I’m afraid I may have to sit on you.