This is a job for … Supermad
Everybody wants to be a superhero. I’m sure that from time to time, even you have woken up, rubbed your eyes, yawned, and felt that insane urge to don a cape, shout out an eager catchphrase at the top of your lungs, and jump out the nearest window, determined to fight crime, spread peace, and sell millions of dollars worth of collectible merchandise… It’s a universal dream. At least, I hope it is, cos if it isn’t, then it must be just me. That would have made my actions look rather embarrassing… particularly that Monday when I wore my underwear over my pants.
So I guess it’s relieving that this is a universal phenomenon. Of course, the main challenge is figuring out HOW to gain superpowers. Now, we Hamishes are nothing if not resourceful. I have spent over twenty years of my life dedicated to researching this topic. It wasn’t too hard. In fact, there are innumerable documented cases of superheroes and superpowers available all over the world… IF you only bothered to look for it. There are, in fact, SEVERAL methods on how you can get superpowers, some of which I can outline before you right now.
- The easiest way, by far, to get superpowers is to be an alien, born on another planet… This is a very effective method, documented to bring about powers such as flying faster than a speeding bullet, being able to leap tall buildings in single bounds (one bound per building – hence the plural), having a hide thicker than steel, and being able to die and return from the dead if enough readers wrote in… On a related note, this may explain why kids nowadays have a hard time figuring out why Jesus’ resurrection was such a big deal…
- The second most favourite method, it seems, is to pick your favourite animal/ insect/ reptile and fry the sucker with radioactive rays. Then all you have to do is to make sure that it accidentally bites you and mixes it’s altered DNA right into your bloodstream. This will, as per reviewed documentaries, improve your physique, reflexes, and make you able to crawl up tall buildings and watch some alien leap over it in a single bound.
- Another time proven method, it appears, is to run right smack into a Government funded secret project and jump at some molecular re-arranging thingy. This may sound like a hard task, but it’s basically simple. First… finding the government funded secret project… This is the simplest task. The more secretive a project, the easier it is to locate. A true secret project, particularly if funded by the Government (ANY Government will do), will be so densely guarded by hordes of guards in black Kevlar, that you’d just have to look up a black swarm up from Google Earth to get there. Now, how do you find a molecular re-arranging thingy? Once you break into a building, look for the most sophisticated (most shiny) metal structure you can find, surrounded by three or four lab-coat wearing technicians (and not a single guard) who take coffee breaks once in every 4 minutes. That’s your machine. Go for it.
- Alternatively, you can just plan out an accident wherein you lose your sense of sight, but miraculously gaining superhumanly enhanced effects on all your other senses. But, if you are already without sight, I doubt if this method will work for you…
Of course, none of these methods are without drawbacks. Method 1 bit the dust after I checked my birth records and proved conclusively that I was, as a matter of fact, born on Earth… Bummer, eh? I had some hope on this front for a while, with many close chums proclaiming that I couldn’t possibly be from the same planet as them.
Method 2 is still under consideration. Trouble is, I’m not really a reptile/ insect fan… So I just can’t choose a creature to radiate… I DID once settle for a spider, but there were severe copyright issues involved. Even superheroes and superhero-wannabes are scared of lawsuits.
Method 3 is not faring that well either. I had managed to locate three top secret Government projects, but they turned out to be lame ass sessions. One was for a proposed name change for the city of Delhi to Dilli. The second one was a proposal for a centralized bribe collection system. The third finally turned out to be a bunch of scientists developing a machine. But it wasn’t a great one. It was just a small device that creates large, random numbers. On a related note, Bangalore auto meters are going to be updated soon.
Method 4 is the scariest from the ones I’ve listed. Even with my eyes intact, I walk into walls and trip over furniture far more often than the average doctor would recommend. Even with all my other senses enhanced, I doubt how I could cope with life. Also, when you REALLY think about it, do you really want your other senses enhanced? Imagine being able to smell the public restroom that’s three miles down the road… Imagine being able to hear the abuses muttered by the disgruntled employee in the next office… And everytime you eat out, no matter which eatery you choose, you’d be able to tell what animal got fished out of the boiling tub by which employee… You’d be puking so often that you won’t really get the chance to save the world or anything…
So there really is no winning, is there? But then again, we DO have more and more documents pouring in each day. Like any ethical journalist, I won’t reveal my actual source for these documents, but I’m not averse to saying that a large chunk of these have something to do with Stan Lee.