A cause-effect analysis

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Yesterday was a bad day. Little demons with big pointy sticks poked the insides of my skull; Tiny clones of Himesh Reshammiya sat next to my eardrums and shrieked at the top of his irksome nasal voice; my old economics professor popped up like an inebriated jack-in-the-box every time I blinked, just to ask me questions like “If you take the GDP of the country and measure a diminishing return on it against your current salary, then how long do you think this sentence needs to be to before you start questioning your own sanity?

In other words, I had a headache.

No. It wasn’t one of your ordinary run-of-the-mill headaches. It was the kind that makes you think “Oh, my God, who are these aliens and what are they doing sawing my brain in half? If they wanted it so bad, they could have just asked me!!“. It was the kind that makes you want to rent a plane and sky-dive without the customary parachute, taking precautions to land on your head.

Now headaches like these do not come without a cause. If I were sane and rational, I would have rushed off into a hospital and shrieked for the nearest doctor available, holding a nurse hostage until I was given the priority I deserved. But I was neither. In fact, I was less than neither. I was too lazy to go to a hospital, and crazy to boot. Since I had a fair bit of experience in the medical field, I decided I had to try and analyze myself. This may seem rational and sane to most people…. unless they knew that the medical ‘experience’ I was talking about was limited mostly to watching old videos of House MD and Scrubs regularly for the past 18 weeks.

Now, what caused this headache? There are several causes for headaches such as smoking, stress, concussion, trauma, psuedotumour, stroke, light sensitivity and eyestrain. I decided to weigh in all the explanations I could think of.

1. I was having a hangover.

Hmmm… Nah. This can’t be it. I don’t drink too much. I don’t get drunk. And I definitely didn’t go drinking day before yesterday. So this theory’s knocked out the metaphorical window.. unless… UNLESS… unless I DO drink too much at times; only, I drink SO much that I don’t even remember that I drank at all, and I drank as much that night!! I have to check that out. How do I check that out? I can simply ask my friends. You see, I never drink alone. If I DO drink, I go out with friends, chug a few drinks and call it a night. So I should be able to track if I DID drink last night. That should be helpful, unless… UNLESS…. unless I DO drink alone at times, and at those times, I drink SO much that I don’t even remember that I drank at all, and I drank as much that night!! Dammit. I have to leave this thread of thought. It’s beginning to scare me.

2. It’s a tumor

Ok, I change my opinion about point 1. THIS is scary. Let’s just ignore this possibility and hop along to the next contemplation. What? What do you mean denial is the first stage?

3. My headband was TOO tight.

Now this is a handy solution. It is a rare kind of solution which does not scare me, and at the same time, is easily remediable. All I have to do is take off the headband and let the blood circulate freely. I also get a handy anecdote to relate at parties…. “You’ll never guess what happened to me. I had a REALLY bad headache, and I tried all sorts of stuff, but blah blah yada yada… it turned out my headband was just too tight. Silly me, huh?” So this was the perfect solution. I was praying for this to be the solution. I checked. Nope. I wasn’t wearing a headband. Dang. Another theory shot to hell.

4. I was trying to avoid work.

Nice one. SImple, elegant, plausible… a classic. Except today was a Sunday. And I didn’t carry any work home this Sunday. So that’s out of the picture…

5. Hey, work needn’t be office work. Maybe I just wanted to avoid writing a new post on my blog

Hey, that’s simply not true. You know I like writing here… If there was an India Pak match on TV, I’d miss it to write this blog. If there was a church service going on, I’d miss it to write this blog. If there was a pottery contest going on, I’d miss that to write on this blog. If there was a mega movie marathon in the local theatre, I’d copy some old article I’d written and paste it on this blog before I ran to the theatre as if my pants were on fire. Nope. This is not it.

6. Maybe it’s some voodoo thing. Maybe I’ve been Fatwaed by somebody!!

Now, I have to admit that I don’t really know what it means… or if being fatwaed involves getting splitting headaches. But I considered this possibility until the author, Chelle, said she would never fatwaa me, because I am her number one fan. So sweet, don’t you think?

7. I have been watching too many movies.

Ha! And a double Ha to you. Of COURSE I’ve been watching ‘too many movies’. I have been watching ‘too many movies’ ever since I was five. In fact, if, at any time or day, someone were to ask you “Hey, what’s new with Hammy? What’s he doing?“, and you reply “Well, I don’t know exactly what he’s doing at the moment, but I DO know that he is watching ‘too many movies’ right about now.“, it’s a safe bet that you’re darned right. This is like saying Dick Cheney had an attack because he was breathing at the time. So no. This isn’t it.

8. It’s something I ate.

Stands to reason. In the past 48 hours, I have eaten noodles, idly, chop suey, rice, dhaal, chappati, fried chicken, burgers, french fries, egg toast, wantons, fried rice , chicken puffs, cake and sweets. Not really in a position to claim the prize for an ideal diet, and I doubt if these things do me any good, but does it explain my headache? I don’t know. I’ll need to revisit this idea later. Right after my pack of potato chips.

9. I’m not sleeping properly

If I had to name a dog right now, I’d call it Bingo. I hate to admit it, but I’ve been sleeping real late these days, using one excuse or the other. I may be watching a movie on the comp, or I may be reading a book (ok, ok, a comic book) late at night… I’d deny this… try to keep a straight face… But then I look at the clock and see that I am still writing this post at 3:40 a.m. and I have to slap my forehead and admit my insomnia.

10. It’s OCD… Obsessive Compulsive Behavior

Could be…. Seeing as how I got convinced by point number 9 and still couldn’t resist putting in one more point to make it an even 10… yeah. This can lead to headaches. I don’t know how, but I’m pretty sure it can.

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10 Responses

  1. Ann says:

    I guess you are ”thinking” too much to find a reason for your headache πŸ˜‰
    And that maybe the real cause….
    Time to go to TA….ta da….I have found the root cause(*applause*)!!!

  2. Shyma says:

    hah! I’ll go with the tumor. You watch a lotta movies… so u should know… now all u have to do is find a long lost brother and dump a girlfriend coz you’re a nice guy and don’t want her heartbroken. (and yet, not actually TELL her that, coz that would ruin the climax)

  3. Silverine says:

    Uncanny…but those are the very thoughts that come to my mind when I get a headache. And the description of a headache also fits to a T. I hate headaches!!! grrr

    But I never get caught you see. Always carry ammunition a.k.a pain killers with me.First hint of the ache and I do some anticipatory killing of those tiny clones of Himesh πŸ˜€

  4. Profile photo of hammy hammy says:

    @Ann:
    So the reason I am having a headache is because I spend too much time analyzing my headache. The classic chicken and egg situation… And yes, here’s your applause… – clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap πŸ˜‰

    @Shyma:
    My, my… that’s… that’s very Bollywoodish… Hmm… Ever consider writing scripts for the industry?

    @Silverine:
    Pain killers for the Himeshes in my head. Check. Glad you gave your advice now. I was just debating between an ordinary pistol v/s a submachine gun. On retrospect, it may not have been such a hot idea… I’ll try the pain killer idea first… πŸ™‚

  5. silverine says:

    @hammy: LOL!!! πŸ˜€

    No 11: You suffer from Sinusitis!

    And psst if the submachine gun and pistol fails there is always the tried and tested Grenade..just pop one in the mouth and viola…pain gone. Of course be very careful and ensure that the pin is removed 😐

  6. Sorsi says:

    According to my mom’s book:

    Headaches: Invalidating the self. Self-criticism. Fear.

    errr….or maybe it’s just a combination of all those reasons you gave above.

    Some officemates used to tell me that the best remedy for headaches is…..sex=P Maybe you should go follow their advice instead of watching movies and reading comic books all the time;) heehee=P

  7. Awwww! I didn’t know you had a headache, how rude of me not to notice and you know I would never Fatwa you, Hammy!! πŸ™‚

    I do hope you are feeling better, it has been a long headache week for me waiting for the snow to melt! πŸ™

  8. Profile photo of hammy hammy says:

    @Sorsi:
    Hmm… You wouldn’t believe it, Sorsi… Apparently, very few women appreciate the line “Hey, you there!! I have a splitting headache. So waht’dya say you and I go ‘wink’ ‘wink’?”… So far, 23 kicks in the ****, 32 slaps on the face, and 14 lawsuit threats later…. my headache’s never been worse.

    @offendedblogger:

    Yes, oh, offended one. I know you would never Fatwa me. How else do you think I manage to sleep at night? If I thought there was an inkling of a chance that you’d use me for target practice, I’d be too busy praying and shivering to catch any zzzzz…

  9. Mollie says:

    Let’s hope eeets nawt a tuuuumah =)

  10. Profile photo of hammy hammy says:

    @Mollie:

    Oh, my Gawd…. A kindergarten accent… Yeah, let’s hope it’s not a tuuuumah. Let’s hope it’s just something that’s here today and gone tuuuumahro… πŸ˜‰

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