Topsy Turvy Tips for the Tipsy…

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It’s not everyone who can hold a drink. And no, I’m not talking about the fading art of balancing the wine glass. I was talking about the less literal, more common, and definitely more fun ritual most of our town toast to. Some people have iron, rust-proof chambers in their stomach that keeps them sober even if the drinks pour in directly from the assembly line. And then there are people like me who get that tipsy feeling right after the first cocktail.

And I’m blessed enough to know people from either spectrum. I have a friend whose tipping point does not go beyond three drops of vodka. If ever she gets the courage to gulp down a bottle of beer, there is a real, genuine fear that she’ll wake up three days later with THE hangover from hell, staring incredulously at a tattoo on her belly reading “Who’s your daddy?”.

Although – with her luck, she’s more likely to end up with a tat that reads “Hu is yo dadi?”

And then I know the boozeman, who has chugged down less water than beer in his lifetime; the guy who looks the same before and after a binge cos ‘drunk’ is the only state you ever see him in; the guy who lives life by the motto “Booze is the secret of my energy”. Now I’ve always fallen on the sober side of the sobriety meter, with ZERO hangovers and ZERO throw-ups in my short but illustrious career in alcoholic binges. If ever that could have been challenged, it would have been this Saturday.

Semi-retired singing diva and my good ol’ friend from college, Soopzie, decided to cook up a small singing party because she believed it was high time some of the scattered buddies caught up with each other. And catch up we did. Guitars were waved about, heads were banged, old lyric books were flipped open, and the entire gang sang at the top of our lungs, possibly triggering neighborhood nightmares of a Russian invasion. Soopzie’s brand new daughter attended the fest’s early hours, before being rescued by her vigilant grandparents. And in that brief period of time, she couldn’t help but stare wide eyed at Soopzie, going – “Whoa! Are you sure that’s my mama?”

But I’m getting off track here. The headbanging reunion and the subtle motherly revelations are not the focus of this entry.

Pictured: The focus of this entry

The focus is more on the less celebrated talent that Soopzie possesses. In her normal life, she may be the high flying working mother of a cutsie wide eyed little girl, but when the situation is called for, she is also the Dynamic Cocktail Artiste Extraordinaire. She could go and blindly challenge any Irish pub cocktail waitress to a duel. The drinks I had were definitely the best nectar of it’s specie I’d ever tasted. And you could have easily guessed my feelings towards the said drinks by the speed at which I guzzled them down.

Most of us got hammered that night. And we were ALL people who had come there with the practiced lines – “Oh. That’s enough for me. Thank you. I have to drive back home.” Somehow, vocabulary failed us and all the “No, thanks”s that we formed in our minds got churned into “Yes. Gimme more” by the time it reached our lips.

Those of us who COULD form words, I mean

Of course not ALL of us were affected. There was amongst us a man of iron will, who staunchly refused to leave the sanctum of sobriety. He had but the merest dip in a modest beer and half a cocktail before prudence kicked in. This was good, cos we immediately latched onto him as the designated driver (Thanks a lot, man).

To properly thank him for his selfless service, one of us promptly threw up on his car. The source of this unsavory projectile then entertained us for the next 15 minutes doing his version of ‘101 Ways To Say I’m Sorry’; actually, this was entertaining only for the first two minutes, after which we realized all 101 ways were eerily identical (“1. I’m sorry… 2. Oh my God, I’m sorry… 3. Dude, I’m sorry… 4. I’m telling you I’m REALLY sorry, and so on…”). Once the aforementioned sorry-teller was dropped back home, the rest of us rattled inane work anecdotes and waxed philosophical throughout the 45 minute ride home.

What is time, anyway? When you’re high on drunk philosophy, is 3/4th of an hour 45 minutes long anymore?

As with all of life’s experiences, I’ve become an older, but wiser loon. I have learned a lot from this trip, and I shall outline some of the finer lessons so that you too may benefit from them. (As you can see, I care about you)

  1. Keep track of your drinks – This is not as easy as you think. You never know what happens to your arithmetic skills after a few rounds of beer. I’ve always maintained that I stop at 3. But now I wonder whether I restart the count after every third drink.
  2. Get the cocktail recipes from Soopzie – This might be very difficult for you to do, particularly if you don’t know Soopzie. But I, for one, shall try to amass the knowledge.
  3. Think twice before you say anything after your third round– It doesn’t matter if you are a NASA scientist in your real life, after your third drink of the kind mixed in that party, you are blabbering. But it’s ok if you are blabbering to a fellow drunk. He/she will understand you just fine.
  4. Get the recipes from Soopzie – I know I’m repeating myself. But it’s worth repeating… for me, that is… For those of you who don’t know her, I’m just blabbing on about an unattainable goal… dangling the carrot forward… Sorry about that.
  5. The drunker you get the more sober you feel – By the time the evening ended, I was so hammered that I was probably leaking vodka from my nose. But I felt like I could handle my bike ‘just fine’. I felt I could drive responsibly. On reflection, I’m glad my friends dragged me into the car’s backseat. Hell, I don’t drive responsibly when I’m sober. I’d hardly have done any better while drunk… and even worse, at night-time…
  6. The recipe… from Soopzie– I don’t know… maybe you could introduce yourself to her… She’s a genial person. But I can’t give you her address, mostly for security reasons (MY security, to be specific). So that’s going to make it difficult. Hmm… Maybe you should just go around asking everyone you see if they might be her. But then even that would be difficult… since ‘Soopzie’ is just a nickname. Tough dilemma… I’ll leave you to think about it.
  7. There are more dignified ways of asking for a refill than badgering the host – I can’t think of one right now, but I’m reasonably sure there must be some way…

Thankfully, I am still able to claim ZERO hangovers and ZERO throw-ups. But are those days numbered? Am I entering the dark side? I really, truly, don’t think so. But then again… am I in denial? Tough, deep, thought provoking questions…

I think I need a drink.

My zero hangover claim was, unfortunately, not meant to last. It was not long before the streak blew completely out. Read about it in my article “To zig, to zag, nevermore

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18 Responses

  1. Nisho says:

    That was indeed a fun night! 🙂 I don’t remember having that much fun partying since college days.

  2. elma says:

    goood one bro!!
    lol 😀

  3. mathew says:

    It is funny people drink under the pretext of getting drunk and at the same time try to sport everything is OKAY..I find it amusing when I have a beer with friends and some of them complain that they need atleast 4-5 beers to get drunk and make fun am not a ‘TANK’..hey but c’mon if am sober(or rather am just jovial) with just one-two beer, I am getting desired results and saving poor ‘ tank’ losers!!;-P

    btw chk out
    Bill cosby tells about drinking in his own style!

    P.S..Cocktail recipes from Soopzie awaited!!;-D

  4. zennmaster says:

    Dammit, who’s Soopzie? sounds to me it’s a match made in heaven and you really haven learnt anything from this kdidish drinking binge… and just for the record… I do drive wayyy better when am drunk (not high) than when am not drunk… And who’s Soopzie… is she going to make drinks on your party? cos if she is then I am coming rightaway from this godforsaken place… am coming either way, but would be nice to meet my soul mate… 😛

    ps: yes I know she has a daughter… but whats that saying about punch drunk love or some shit like that? 😛

  5. Nayantara says:

    I’m totally unequipped to comment on the topic per se, but it was a hilarious read! 😀 About the days being numbered, you’ll just have to g(r)in and beer it! 😀

  6. hammy says:

    Absolutely. When Soopzie throws a party, she really throws a party… and of course, some people inevitably throw up.

    Thanks 🙂

    Well, as far as value for money goes, the single drink tipsers like us still lead the pack… And the youtube clip is superb. Cosby stands alone in his brand of humor. But check out what Robin Williams has to say about alcohol…

    Whoa, dude… Tread quietly on that ground. I know your reputation all too well. She’s not your solemate leave alone your soulmate. My bad; when I talked about her daughter, I neglected to mention her husband. He’s got biceps of steel and a grip that could wring unsightly necks 360 degrees. That would set YOUR head straight, but I rather like your head the way it is currently screwed on.

    Nayan times out of ten, people who are unequipped to comment on this particular topic… will get equipped eventually… So why not try it out. I’d suggest you pick up a Blue Lagoon from a decent joint ASAP.
    Come join the dark side. We have cookies.

  7. silverine says:

    Looks like everyone had a nice time! 🙂 Uncanny but I was at a Cocktail party last Friday night and am writing about it as and when I get time during coffee breaks! Work has totally me in its grip….and I’m lovin it! 😉

  8. hammy says:

    Oh, goody goody. Can’t wait to read it. And you’re loving the grip your job has on you? Clearly, the effect of the booze hasn’t worn off yet!! 😀

  9. silverine says:

    I’ve been loving it since the day I started working…and it has nothing to do with the booze…just plain luck that I like what I am doing! 😉

  10. hammy says:

    Hey, I was just kidding. I’ve read your jabs on office life. I do realize you love what you do. That’s a good thing. Most people from my MBA batch consider their job to be a ‘good fit’ if it does not make them want to strangle themselves with their neckties.

    As for me, I’m in the halfway mark… Too interested in my job, my company and my colleagues to go looking for other opportunities, and yet too bored to advance into the stupor of workaholism… madhurichittu thuppaanum vayya, kayichittu vizhungaanum vayya, to put it in Malayalam…

  11. Arun Jose says:

    “Zero hangovers and Zero throw ups”!!! Man, you are blessed! 🙂

    If there is one thing which is stopping me from being an alcoholic in it’s true sense, it is the hangovers and throw ups. I just hate to have a hangover; which stops me from having a real go at it. Whenever I’ve crossed the line, I have suffered… 🙁

  12. Sherry says:

    Agreed!!! The party was good fun… we got to have such parties more often. At least once a month.. 🙂 Soopzie you Rock!!

  13. Nayantara says:

    When you’re as old as your television, the television being a pitiful one with a despicable life expectancy, its a not-so-little away from your reach. 😛
    I’ll grab the opportunity by its collar, when it comes by though. 😀

  14. Gaurav says:

    Does the dark side have a time-machine?

    A good read must say! I am sure the law of Beverages will catch up with you too SOON!!

  15. hammy says:

    @arun:well, the trick is to never cross the line… I want to get tipsy. Getting a perennial tipsy feeling is what the ancient gods referred to as ‘achieving nirvana’. But a hangover is never fun.

    Yes, in an ideal world, we should have multiple parties with all our good friends every night. But that may not be practical. Once a month may still be outside the realm of practicability. But I agree. We should definitely do this more often.

    And yes, Soopzie rocks… as always. She seems to have brought in quite a bit of attention with her cocktails. There are people threatening to kick me inside out (ridiculous as it may sound) unless I get the recipes.

    When you’re as old as… the television.. hmm.. not so little away? ooh wait, i get it, i get it… oh no. I didn’t… unless… maybe you meant to say… uh…
    Ooh, wait. I got it now. Yup. Not like before. I’m pretty sure I get it now. It’s ok. Your waiting makes sense. Once you hit the right age, then GULP goes the blue lagoon. Not before. Good. 😀
    Unless… unless I got it all wrong… in which case… BAH!!! I give up… 🙁

    Let me check. Oops. Sorry. The dark side does not have time machines. Only cookies. But they are really yummy ones. No time machine ever tasted as sweet. And the law of beverages do NOT match the might of beer. Beer lends you wings, if I remember the saying right.

  16. Suparna aka 'Sups/Soopzie ' says:

    Hey Hamish , this was hilarious , as always!
    We drank like fishes that night, next time I WILL try to make arrangements for people to stay back 😉

    And yes, thank god Mr. ‘I -can- drive -home; my- wife -is- alone’ wasn’t allowed to drive home .

    Thanks Perez for running the public transport service for that night! Make sure they return the favour 😉

  17. Sherrel says:

    Hamish, why don’t we have a reunion and Soopzie can make the famous, much loved and much appreciated cocktails for all of us again?? 🙂

  18. hammy says:

    I’d love that, Sherrel… Except, we’re really all scattered away, right? I’m here in Dubai, you and (soon) Perez in Malaysia, and Soopzie + Nash guzzling away in the US of A. It’s a logistical issue. If we COULD manage it, I’m all up for it. For now, it’s not easy.

    Soopzie’s cocktails probably won’t taste as good if she just couriers them across to us.
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