Dowry, Mi? Pha!!

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Recently, a lurking, irksome, nearly forgotten evil made its presence known, albeit in a slightly different form. It was an evil that I, and so many of my discerning friends, had blissfully considered long forgotten… an ugly memory of the past, buried under the thick fabric of time. We were wrong. But enough about Himesh Reshammiya’s upcoming movie.

Let us, instead, focus on a recent mini-buzz stirred in the blogosphere. Note that when I say ‘recent’, I use the term rather loosely. Blogging heavyweight Anjali Philip (a.k.a. Silverine) showcased one of the more popular social evils in our country today, the dowry system. This sparked off several tangents, notably, Mathew’s passionate call to arms. Mathew was so overwhelmed with righteous anger that he bypassed his customary touches of pointy humor.

pointy humor

This got me thinking. It was high time I put in my two cents, possibly more, adjusting for inflation. So it was with grim determination that I pulled out my pen, only to put it back when I remembered I don’t need a pen to type in my article.

For those of you who are thankfully ignorant of the nuptial custom, dowry is the traditional practice where the bride’s family forks up a shovel-load of money and fills the groom’s pockets until the seams start to burst. Back in the medieval times of ignorance, as far as ten years ago, it used to be seen as a right and a matter of demand. Over time, this has resulted in/ contributed to the varied facets of society such as female infanticide, child marriage, abandonment of the girl-child, wife-abuse, poverty, land swindling, suicides, and similar pleasantries.

But thankfully, with the proliferation of education, learning, women’s liberation and a wider mind, the situation has – at least among the urban population – become ridiculous. Most educated people have been taught, AND understand that the system is bad. “Dowry = Evil”- thus quoted the textbooks. And hence quoted the Indian Penal Code, and deep within themselves, every educated chap knows this equation well. And yet, it is surprising how many people still jump for it like monkeys on trampoline. (No. I don’t really know if monkeys are particularly aggressive about trampoline hopping, but I sure like to think so.)

monkey

Now why is that? You can get a whole lot of self serving justifications, from “Hey, her family wanted to follow tradition. I just didn’t stop them”; “it’s just her family’s gift… How could I refuse?”; “No, man. I never wanted that. My folks are just too old fashioned. I can’t refuse them.”, and the ever popular – “Hey, what they give is their business. I don’t bother with these things.” Nothing will ever change unless people step forward. Sadly, few do.

“No, dad. I want to marry THAT stack of money.”

stack

But worse than those guys, I am more frustrated with the armchair cynics… the kind of people who live by the mantra “Nobody’s going to change anything. I can’t do anything, and neither can you. So shut up and let me enjoy my soap operas in peace”. Now those are a special brand of people; people who ought to be hung by their thumbs and periodically dipped in molten tar. The next generation is coming a long way in tackling the world today. They’re adding newer lines to Billy Joel’s “We didn’t start the fire”, and they mean it. The least you could do is get out of their way. The cure IS spreading.

But then again, it’s not spreading fast enough. We do have a lot of people who refrain from asking for dowry, but don’t say no to it either. And there are misguided parents of some girls who feel that giving a sizable dowry is a sign of respect; a matter of prestige and pride. We need the daughters to stand up for themselves. (“I swear, papa… if you offer dowry for my marriage, I shall run away with the cook. Yes, the one with the limp.”) And we need guys to stand up aggressively and refuse dowry offers. Guys have multiple options to tackle the situation, two of which can be outlined as follows…

Option 1 – Active Aggression: “You dare offer me dowry, you simple minded, prehistoric moron?? That does it!! I’m not going to marry your daughter. What I am going to do is hold you by the cuff of your collar and shake you until your dentures fall out!”

Option 2 – Subtle Humor: “So let me get this right… You give me 15 lakhs and a car… I take your daughter for life… Hmm… Let me think… Tell you what… give me 25,000 and I’ll take her off your hand for a month or so. Deal?”

(WARNING: Grown up girls’ parents are notorious for missing subtle humor. Option 2 may not be a safe choice)

Dowry has been predominantly peppering arranged marriages. But really, the most interesting aspects come to light when dowry rears its ugly little head during the course of a love marriage.

“Darling, I’ll bring you the moon if you need it. I’ll blow the sun away if you think it’s too warm. I’ll dive off the highest mountain and into the deepest ravine. I’ll carve your name on that big revolting rock with just my teeth, and sing love songs for the rest of my life… the good ones, not the Barry Manilow ones… IF you would only marry me.”

(giggle giggle, blush blush) “He he… Of course, silly! OF COURSE I’ll marry you!”

“Great! Come tomorrow to the corner of 6th and main. Hand over 6 lakhs in small denominations to my dad, get his blessings and come meet me at…”

“You have GOT to be kidding me!!”

“Huh? Not at all… small denominations are easier to handle. It’s…”

“Not that!! Are you really asking me for dowry??”

“Oh… yeah. You know I don’t really care about it. It’s my folks… they’re really set in their old ways. Besides, 6 lakhs is not that big a deal. Your dad…”

“Jesus! How can you even ask me something like this?? I thought you loved me… you said you’d do anything for me… how can…”

“Hey! I do love you, ok?… Here’s what I’m gonna do… and believe me, I wouldn’t do this for anybody else… Don’t tell anyone, but… I can give you a very lucrative EMI option…. And if you act now, I’ll throw in…”

Now those are another bunch of people who ought to be buried alive in a vat full of stale decaying fish.

But the really rosy memory when it comes to dowry is an event during college years. Me and a bunch of friends gathered up to be at a classmate’s brother’s wedding… It was a very different sort of an event… one of my friends was translating the ceremony on the fly… and at one point, the father of the bride put up 1 kg gold on stage. My friend explained that that would be the dowry. I stood up and said, “Hell. I’ll give 1.5 kgs. I’LL buy your son.” This started up a small bidding frenzy amongst our little gang. It went up to 5.25 kgs, but then died down.

Of course, all these dialogues took place in hushed whispers from the back of the hall, out of hearing range from the rest of the people. Otherwise, I don’t expect we’d have come out of the place with our bones intact. And we all need our bones, particularly the backbone, when it comes to standing up for what you know is right.

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11 Responses

  1. silverine says:

    Absolute gem of a post and hilarious too! 😀

    “The cure is spreading” It sure is. Well put!

    err “heavyweight”!! That is my moms ambitions number one for me…sigh!

  2. hammy says:

    @silverine:
    Umm.. I was talking metaphorically. I tend to do that a lot… As far as being heavyweight in the more literal sense is concerned, it’s not as appealing as you might think. If you’re thin now, chances are you will gain sooner or later… If you are like me, well, your best hope is to wish against chances… In the past two weeks, I gained 6 kilos, which is a stunning achievement. In the words of P.G. Wodehouse, I might be resembling a balloon full of hot air poised to lift off…

  3. silverine says:

    Umm.. I know you were talking metaphorically. And I was cribbing.Talking of weights…I tend to lose weight…family trait! Best of luck with the lift off!

  4. nalanz says:

    well written (I am bad when it comes to complimenting).

    OK, dowry is one of the many social compulsions forced on you, others being beliefs, religion, political lineage etc.
    You have two choices, either be a conformist (pseudo-rebels included) OR Be a Rebel.

    Individual acts of rebellion will not penetrate the self-immunity of society against change by the sheer virtue of the power it holds. Only organized campaigns and strict enforcement of laws can affect any change.

    Now coming to the fatcors that perpetuate these social compulsions, where the conformists come into picture.
    You either are an absolute conformist who anyway does not contribute to any change, or
    a pseudo rebel who thinks about change realising the evil, but does not realize the real potential of the act of conformance or the gravity of the crime commited by it. The pseudo rebel will find load of excuses like “old parents”, “self -sacrifice to parents wishes” if not simply lack of courage et al.

    Love, affection, respect should not stand between doing what is right. Old age is not an excuse for emotional blackmail. But the most pitiful thing is that he simply is not aware of the gravity of the crime, by way of conformace, being commited. The crime of passing on the same environment to the next generation, the uncreated space for change, and thus the perpetuation of the medieval age. What bigger crime can you do to your kids.

  5. mathew says:

    nice post..you have set the post in a hilarious tone at the same time touching the right chords….Well now that I sound like a mercenary i think I should sport a bandana too..;-P

    On a serious note it is a morale booster to see more guys having the same line of thought!!

    cheers..

  6. hammy says:

    @silverine:
    I was just kidding. Far be it from a mere Hammy to assume that YOU would fail to understand metaphors. 😀

    @nalanz:
    You’re bad at complimenting? Well, for an amateur, you made a good job of it… 😉

    I don’t have much of a problem with ‘pseudo rebels’, as you call them… They are not helping, but they’re not hurting either. But of course, if the major portion of society consists of that kind of people, it will be a problem. I see that stage more in the transcient nature, which is ok. There ARE people who will act to make the change… Pseudo-rebellion, as a transcient phase, may help by reducing opposition.

    Damn! Look at that paragraph up above. I sound serene, sober, serious… Creepy. I need to shake that off… Gabba-dabba-gobble-de-gook-nanny-no-phony-bla-brrrrrrrr!!!
    Phew. That’s better.

    @mathew:
    Welcome back… You don’t wear a bandanna already??? :-O

    On your serious note, I must say that I was surprised that so many people got surprised at guys having these thoughts… Most of the friends I know share this line of thinking… I was actually thinking it was more or less the norm before I read those posts by Silverine and you… Anyway, I think the situation is worse than I thought, but better than you think… which is not too bad a position to be in… 😉

  7. Aishwariya says:

    That second option was…hilarious. 😛

    And on a fairly unrelated note, Himesh Reshammiya really has another movie coming out?
    *falls on knees*
    WHY, GOD, WHY?!?!?!

  8. hammy says:

    @aishwariya:
    Yes, the second option is my favourite.

    Exactly my reaction on your unrelated note…

  9. amooma says:

    That option 2 for a prospective groom to deal with a dowry offer had me literally rolling with laughter… not much, else i would have fallen off and we don’t want that, do we? And dear god! i thought u offered 1.5 kgs in the hearing of everyone. Sheesh!! that would have been a publicity garnering issue all right. Or was it in the times before news channels?

  10. hammy says:

    @amooma:
    The time BEFORE news channels?? Just how old do you think I am? It’s a different thing that I don’t watch news channels without dozing off every 3 seconds, but the short attention span is NOT because of old age. At least, I think not…

  11. amooma says:

    Before the time news channels began to drop in on Aiswarya Rai going to the temple, i meant…

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