Rain, rain, go away…

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That did it. It rained last night. It did. And you want to know what the big deal was? I was CARRYING MY UMBRELLA!! And no, it wasn’t one of those blissful times when I was resting comfortably inside while the rain pounded mercilessly on the outer crust of sturdy buildings. No. it rained while I was OUTSIDE… WITH my umbrella.

Some of you… Nay, MOST of you would be scratching the upper melon about now, as bewildered as George W Bush in a science convention. But this is because you haven’t read – or have chosen to forget – an old post of mine, Hamish v/s the Rain God. At that point, I had mentioned a little feud I had with the bearded, wizened God of rain, Zeus. In the past decTfft:JgKdMde”MfGYDg_*)

Huh?? Where did that garbage text come from? Anyway, let me get back to the point.

In the past decade, I never got wet when I carried my umbrella. No, not because the umbrella shielded me from rain, but because it never rained when I carried my umbrella. You can ask my friends back in college. It never failed. If I carry an umbrella, it never rains, unless I am inside a building. If I decide to go out at that juncture, it takes about a minute for the sky to clear up.

This little feud of ours had been going for quite a long while now. As I have recorded in Hamish v/s the Rain God, it came to a head the last time he caught me unawares with a violent storm, when I kinda challenged him with a stupidly-daring “Is-that-the-best-you-can-do?” cry, which basically made him up the ante from playing around with a simple rainstorm to pelting me with hailstones. A few of them hurt bad. I don’t really know xRy*UfFdff hf&a&hRrauabghyPh*&jjgfTjfRjgHfggjD

Dammit!! Garbage values again!! What’s gotten into my laptop? Ahem… To continue with my narration, I don’t really know how this feud started. I mean… I never provoked him. I was never even impolite to the blighted old geezer. Maybe it’s something from a past life. Maybe I was an Athenian God in the last life and used to leer at his daughter. Maybe he’s a big fan of Michalis Rakintzis and didn’t like it when I booed at his song, “Sagapo”. Maybe I just snore too loud.

I don’t know. All I do know is that fighting with Gods is not cut out for everyone. And I’m no George Carlin. I can’t do it the way he used to. I can only carry my umbrella and tide it out.

But yes, that was one thing I could do with confidence. I could just brandish my walking-stick shaped umbrella and walk around faking a limp, imitating a rather uncool version of Dr. Gregory House, basking in the knowledge that the umbrella is actually a weather machine. Zeus takes one look at the umbrella and frowns, “What the heck. He’s got his stupid umbrella. I guess I’ll rain in on him later.” Oh, yes. The equation was clear.

Hamish + umbrella + outside = No rain.

Hamish + umbrella + inside = Maybe rain

Hamish – umbrella + inside = Maybe rain

Hamish – umbrella + outside = Rain + Storm + Thunder + Lightning (optional)

Not too complicated, you would admit. I was learning to accept the equation; live with reason, so to speak. But that changed last night. It rained. It rained while I was OUTSIDE… WITH my umbrella. The bearded Greek spook caught me by surprise, but it got me thinking… WHY?? Was this a tactical shift in his divine plan? DID he have a divine plan? Or is he just a brat with super powers? What does his pad look like? If Zeus says “Seuss is loose”, can “Seuss sues Zeus” be news?

Oh, man. I’m mumbling. I don’t know what I’m saying now. Seuss sues Zeus?? Geez!! I still don’t know what I’m saying. And I don’t know what changed the equation. I have been carrying my umbrella everyday these days. I don’t know why… TsKfthHd”shf Mhsd}%ddh&dgfjhiOh45g2Bf1)hGewdhhfH

Damn. Laptop’s gone bonkers again. I swear, if I see more set of garba… Oh… Oh, God. Oh, my God! I know why it rained last night. I see all. I have been getting out of his carefully planned executions for a long time by simply carrying my umbrella. He must have gotten tired of waiting. And seeing that he couldn’t get to me directly, he went after those near and dear to me.

My LAPTOP! I was carrying it with me last night. And given the exponential expanse of my girth these days, even Drew Carey wouldn’t need glasses to see that an umbrella can’t protect me AND the laptop at the same time. The cunning old codger has a plan, alright. The sneaky devilish son-of-a-deity. When I get my hands on him, I’ll *&^%&$^&(*&$%^*&U()&)~#()(@!)#()@)#$+

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16 Responses

  1. mathew says:

    Think about find a job in the saharan desert somewhere in the middle of Saudi Arabia..You could still win!!;-D
    Talking of umbrella’s I have been forcibily made to inherit a umbrella my parents bought from home because I wasnt using one..A nasty cold was enough to convince them when I tried the “there were no umbrella 2000 years ago trick!!”;-D

  2. Maulik says:

    I think from your equation it really doesn’t matter. Even if you go to Sahara desert, it will rain and you would be without umbrella for sure. And you have more chances of getting caught there simply because you will never be able to predict rain in a desert. So better stay where you are. Perhaps doing some rituals for rain God may solve this conflict?

    I stumbled upon your blog via a very strange path. (I searched for Federer vs Nadal final score, I reached a blog which had many links, but I clicked the link to your blog!). And I enjoy your writing style.

  3. Arun Jose says:

    🙂 Nice build up with all those !@#!%!@#$!

  4. hammy says:

    @mathew
    A Saharan quest eh? Worth a shot, I guess. You’re probably right. I should probably start packing.

    And for God’s sake, STOP usin the “no umbrella 2000 years ago” trick… The more robust parent ends up with the threatening retort, “Oh? Well, there were no computers, TV, movies, couches, or anything 2000 year ago either.” Not a pleasant turnout, that…

    @maulik
    Dammit! You’re probably right. I should probably start unpacking.

    I am not a sports fan by any extent of adrenaline, but if I had a hat, I’d raise it to both Federer and Nadal. Of course I am assuming here that they are either known sportsmen of some sort, or retired Greek tenors. It doesn’t matter. My imaginary hat is OFF to both of them.

    I should spend more time researching “How to make people stumble on your blog through random sports searches.” Maybe I can do that by saying sports a lot. I can do that. In a sporty sporting way. I can make a sport of it too. Sport sport sporty sport-sport. See? (I hope that did the trick.)

    Anyway, thanks… 🙂

    @arun:
    Thanks, dude. Creator-of-buildups-to-support-obscure-profane-jokes is my middle name. It’s tough to fit it all into my passport, though.

  5. Rebecca says:

    Hamish + umbrella + outside = No rain.

    Hamish + umbrella + inside = Maybe rain

    Hamish – umbrella + inside = Maybe rain

    Hamish – umbrella + outside = Rain + Storm + Thunder + Lightning (optional)

    funny,

  6. Nayantara says:

    You defy Mongolian-Bonobos-ian nature by not loving the rain! Uh, so you’re not a Mongolian Bonobo. See, there’s good news? Cheer up now! 😛

    Again, a funny post. 🙂

  7. Chelle B. says:

    Hahaha!! Don’t worry, I am laughing with you and not at you. 🙂

  8. hammy says:

    @rebecca:
    Thanks, Becks. Nice to hear from you after a long time.

    @nayantara:
    Of course, that has always been my ambition; to destroy any traces of Mongolian Bonobo heritage. Not that I had any to begin with, but why take the chance?

    @chelle:
    Yipee. We should laugh together more often. More often than not, I laugh alone. People here are beginning to give me strange looks.

  9. amooma says:

    Whoa! Ur humour (even in the comments) is amazing. I like that. And has this latest win on the side of Zeus taught u anything?

  10. hammy says:

    @amooma:
    Thank you. 🙂
    Well, this incident has taught me that Gods will be Gods. And they will never grow up.

  11. amooma says:

    Unlike us humans, i suppose? An apt example of our growing up would be ur ongoing feud with Zeus.

  12. Nisho says:

    da… howz the laptop now… you do remember that it doesn’t have a warranty, right?

  13. hammy says:

    @binny:
    Hey, 18 days of powercut… no electricity??? God be with you. Not Zeus, though. I doubt if he’d empathize with readers of my blog. Sorry about that.

    @nisho:
    The laptop seems fine now, dude. I guess it was just a temporary glit*&I_#s%RMhVJMmnU F5tg&HKnL%HtJGJhHJkG@3fH&jkTFHg*KHg!K@HkLO#JKB

    D’OH!!

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