Everyone v/s Everybody else: The Final Showdown
In my last article, I had said I’d be adopting the demented brain structure of the Hollywood idiot who decided to make a movie by combining movie franchises, a la Alien v/s Predator. I wasn’t quite serious about it at the time, but the more I look into the empty abyss in my pocket, the more I realize I need to write a novel that can be turned into a star-studded money-spinning mega-blockbuster on whose royalties I can live on for the rest of my life.
So if any of you happen to know a Hollywood agent, show him this draft of my novel after maybe three bottles of his favorite poison. But let him know this is just a draft copy –
The starship enterprise crashes into a Klingon spaceship infested by aliens. Captain Kirk notices that all Klingons have weird animatronics figures clasping their faces.They conduct some experiments to know more about the species.
“What do you make of this, Spock?”
“An alien lifeform that bleeds acid, grows fast, and incubates other species to propagate itself. And we have at least 200 Klingons infected by these beings. Fascinating.”
“Really? Fascinating?? You weren’t that moved last week when we saw the six headed space monkey chase his tail. What makes this so fascinating?”
“Because, Captain, this means we are all going to die.”
“What?? What the… damn you and your emotionless face. Are you sure about this?”
“Positive, Captain. I’m sure that by Chapter two, we would all have died and our ship would have crashed into some planet.”
And of course, the planet just ‘happens to be’ Earth. The crash was so intense that most of the planet itself is wiped out. There were few survivors, but lucky for our movie producers, they were all celebrities, except the token defenseless kids, Jack and… Jill (I’m the king of original names).
Jack: There’s something out there. And it knows we’re here. I think we should call for help. Use the stellar communications unit made by… (insert name of whichever company pays highest to endorse the movie.)
Jill: I’m trying, dammit. I keep getting some weird message every time I try to operate this thing. Some idiot keeps saying “E.T. Phone home” over and over…
Suddenly they see a space pod crash land into the river nearby. They don’t realize it, but we see that it’s the predator, looking for some good hunting action in the newly alien infested planet. It uses its infrared vision to locate aliens. It sees at least two dozen of it jumping up and down in the forest nearby.
The aliens have started killing everybody in sight. And still more are lost in the hi-tech warfare launched by the predator. All the survivors meet up at one location, conveniently close to Jack and Jill.
Jill: Hey, aren’t you guys Jay and Kay from the Men In Black operation?
Kay: Umm… hey, lookey here. Right into this shiny metallic tube. <FIZZZZZzzzz> There are no aliens. An alien spaceship did not land on earth and launch ugly creatures into the planet. Those creatures do NOT bleed acid. They did not attract other hunter aliens from another movie franchise. They did not wipe out half the world population. And we are not stranded with few of the remaining people on the planet. Aliens are not running around killing us all like John Goodman at a buffet table. And agent Jay did NOT just pee his pants.
Jay: Sorry, Kay
Jack: Jill, we are in big trouble. The aliens have already wiped out MIB, the pentagon, and the predator is riding around in Kit, from the Knight Rider series. We are running out of celebrities. I’m not sure we can make a good impact on the public from what happened to Mork from Ork.
Jill: I don’t even want to think about it. All he said was nanoo-nanoo, and the predator went ballistic on him.
Jack: I’m not sure getting movie icons killed is going to give this movie good ratings. Too late now. There goes Scooby Doo and the gang.
Scooby: Rowr. Raggy. Rat wasn’t a rooby nack. Re-he-he-he-he. Yelp!
Ethan Hunt: Man, oh, man. When will you learn? “Your mission should you choose to accept it…” , when the recording talks about aliens which bleed acid and have already killed half the world, you say NO. Dammit, Ethan…
Ross: I don’t get it. What are WE doing here? I thought this only included movie stars. We are TV people, everyone!
Monica: Dammit. We’re stuck here without the laughter track, surrounded by deadly aliens.
Joey: I wonder what they taste like.
Phoebe: I think Ross is right. What kind of stupid author would put the cast of a sitcom in an alien battle movie, and then take out the laughter track?? The author must me a moron.
Rachel: That doesn’t matter. We are in this mess, so the best we can do is to NOT piss off the author. Ok, everyone?
Chandler: Yeah, right. Like that matters. Can we BE any more deader? The author must have more screws loose in his head than…
BOOM. A misguided missile from the predator’s shoulder pad wipes them out, which is weird because the predator was in another county at that time.
Lighting strikes, thunder blasts, and a silver DeLorean shows up from nowhere, with smoke coming up from all sides. The door opens and two figures climb out.
Marty McFly: Err… doc. What time zone are we at?
Doc Brown: Great Scott, Marty. This is our not too distant future. Our planet is doomed.
Marty: Enough of that. Let’s just get back in the car and take off to the 60s.
And the DeLorean disappears into the night, leaving two streaks of fire marking the time machine’s path.
Jack: We just keep losing more and more people here. All the big names are just showing up in cameo shots with largely short and fatal roles. This is not… I mean NOT the way to write a movie. And he can’t even count straight. What the hell happened to Chapter 4?
Jill: Shhh… Jack, are you crazy?? Don’t you remember what happened to the cast of ‘Friends’?
Jack: Oh… yeah. I mean this story is great. It will have movie audiences going wild. I think Hollywood should just come and cover the author with diamonds and buy the script.
Fox Mulder: Well, Scully? Do you see? Do you understand now?
Scully: Hot dang. The truth really was out there! Who would have thought of that?
Rocky Balboa: I know it sounds stupid, but I need to show them I’m not a has-been. I need to prove myself. I need to arrange a boxing match between me and the predator.
Alan “Dutch” Schaefer: Vat? Oo faind youvar own alien, Sly. Duh predator is ma-aine.
Adrian Monk: Have to say, Mr. Schwarzenegger, I’m with Sly here. You lost your right to the predator when you went to make the Terminator movies.
Dutch: But I SAID “I’ll bee back”. Anyway, vot arr YOO doing here. We don’t knead detectives here. We KNOW vot happened. It was aliens all around. Arrrrgh.
Sharona: He’s just distraught about all the goo in the city. He’s not trying to interfere in anything. If anyone should do something, it is YOU, Superman.
Superman: Me? I’m the man of steel, sure, but have you seen the alien blood go through steel? It’s like a knife going through butter. In any case, I’m not the new superhero people are looking for. Everywhere I go, people are cooing over Spiderman. Spiderman, spidey, webslinger… phooey. If he’s so hot, HE should handle this. I’m gonna go find some other planet to live in.
Spiderman: Aarh. My web gets ripped off by the predator’s laser beam. And my spider sense is tingling 24×7. I don’t even know how I can concentrate here.
James: Well, there’s only a handful of us left. I think it’s best that we lay low for a while. This may look like an ordinary briefcase. But it can actually hold 30 people and supplies for an entire year. All the women, follow me. Not so fast, Roseanne!
Ray Romano: Hey, like, who are you?
James: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
Ray: Oh, like… the big spy and all that? Great. I’m a big fan. Who are you, anyway? Sean? George? Roger? Tim? Pierce? The new guy? Who?
James:<sighs> Does it really matter?
Frodo Baggins: You think this is a joking matter? That alien ate the ring. THE ring, I tell ya. THE RING!
Adrian Monk: Hold on, hold on… None of this makes sense.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It doesn’t have to, Monk. That’s the whole point of mixing up franchises. We have lots of stars here. The movie’s gonna sell itself.
Lisa Simpson: But he’s right, captain! You can’t just mix up all the characters and have no plot. We shouldn’t stand for it! I’m tired of people asking me if I’m yellow because I’m scared of the aliens. What’s next? Itchy and scratchy chopping up the Fantastic Four?
Homer: D’oh!! Don’t give any ideas, Lisa… Hmm… The Fantastic Four, you say. He he he… Well, keep talking.
Bart: Aye, carramba! Lisa’s right. I don’t belong here. I have to go back to Springfield. The predator can go eat my shorts.
Dirty Harry: Y’r damn right. We can’t let this author guy get away with this. Go ahead, punk. Make my day.
Darth Vader: Harry… Harry, I’m your father.
Dirty Harry: What??
Luke Skywalker: Don’t listen to him. He says that to everybody. I don’t believe the crummy author dragged US into this stupid plot. We are supposed to be battling in a galaxy far-far-away.
Ben Hur: You’re complaining??? I’m not even from the same time-zone. God knows I’m from a different genre altogether.
Dr. Richard Kimble: Oh, yeah. YOU guys have all the problems, eh? Look at me. I was just about to nab the one armed man who framed me for my wife’s murder when all of a sudden I’m besieged by ugly aliens all around me.
Michael Corleone: Oh, so it’s all about you guys, eh? I don’t even believe in aliens. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!
The stars got into a fighting frenzy over who least deserved to be in the movie. Things got ugly once Scarface got his hands on one of his little friends he wanted the rest to say hello to. There was fire all around, and Jack and Jill had to run away with a bucket, looking around for water.
Jack: Oh, God. Most of the guest stars have killed each other. I don’t know how this plot is going to end.
Jill: What do you mean?
Jack: Well, the story is so convoluted now. I can’t even imagine a sensible end to the fiasco.
Jill: Ah, poor Jack. We don’t need a “sensible” ending.
Jack: We don’t?
Jill: Of course not, silly. We just need SOME ending with the possibility of a sequel. I’m sure that can be arranged.
As Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, things had gotten pretty ugly down by the port. The few survivors had all climbed aboard a gigantic ship on its maiden voyage through the Atlantic. Meanwhile, the aliens and the predator had all devoured members of the congress and developed indigestion. One by one, but within a span of minutes, they all had heart attacks and strokes, falling on their backs and dying a slow death.
At the same time, SS Titanic II set sail for an unknown ice-berg free destination. All the celebrities inside are howling in joy, ecstatic about their escape. However, Marlon Brando is having chest pains… Is that just another burrito he couldn’t refuse? Or is it something else?
The End (?)