You do? Really?

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It never ceases to amaze me how you can find people with radically different problems in life. And life, in its infinite wisdom, chooses to scatter its resources rather unjustly. Bloke A may be running through life looking for something; the same stuff that bloke B might be throwing away by the bucketloads. For example, I might be… err… a random chap might be obese to the point that commercial aircrafts draw straws to see which one gets to take him on board. Whereas Baroness Queenie Von Meanie might be diving head first into chocolate cheesecakes, trying to gain some weight on herself so that she doesn’t fly away when people sneeze.

Problems more commonly associated with this object.

Likewise, frequent readers of the blog would know that right now, I jump hedges, dig holes, jump in, and cover myself with dirt, simply avoiding the topic of marriage. Meanwhile, allegedly on the same planet, we have Queenie Von Teeny who makes it clear that if she doesn’t get married in the shortest possible time, she’ll hold her breath until she turns blue, or until she feels the need to breathe, whichever comes first. But at least she didn’t PLAN to be this way. She was pretty sane and normal to an extent, until she met her guy, after which something snapped inside of her.

But on the very same overburdened bewildered planet, we see another breed of ‘bride-to-be’s. She’s in a cushy, comfortable relationship where neither party is in any hurry to race to the altar and seal the deal in ink. And it’s not just because they’re lazy to the core. ‘Things are going good, so why change stuff?’ – is the philosophy. When the time is right, they’ll cement the deal.

But what if he’s not ready at that time? Don’t you worry about that.

She has a plan. Hell, she has a 20 page script.

She rushes in ahead of him, makes sure things are in order. Makes sure the hidden guests stay hidden…. makes sure the props are in place… and then he walks in. She gets him seated in place, starts mild chit-chat. Nothing too serious… You know – the regular blah blah yada yada stuff…

Meanwhile, from behind the curtains, the priest starts the sermon, but in low murmur, so that the groom isn’t prematurely made aware that he is in fact, a groom.

Some giggles will invariably come from under the sofa, where the bridesmaids will be hiding, of course. Can’t help that. Those pesky chatterboxes. She will have to pretend it’s coming from the TV or something… But wait… the TV is off, and the groom’s not stupid. D’oh!

No worries. No worries. She can pretend it’s her new ringtone! Muffled giggles as ringtones… that could work!

She gives him some bills that he has to sign on. Camera zooms in to reveal that she has cleverly taped the marriage license underneath, with a piece of carbon paper to get the signature through. (Incidentally, this marriage license would have special clauses about policies relating to who has power over the remote control, joint accounts, and a teeny clause about getting the toilet seat bolted in a particular position)

And then the priest reaches the cruicial part of the sermon. This is where it gets tricky. Timing has to be perfect.

Priest gives signal…

Her: Hey, honey…

Him: Yeah, babes..?

Priest(barely audible) : Do you… 

Her: Remember that dress I bought last week?

Him: Errr… which one?

(She makes carefully rehearsed face)

Him: No, wait. I got it, I got it… Yeah. I remember it. I mean… like, completely!

Priest: ...take ...lawfully wedded wife...

Her: Well, do you like it?

Him: Yeah, yeah… It’s lovely… It’s that lovely pink… beig… I mean… It’s great. Beautiful. Suits you very well… I mean… Yes.

Priest: ...to have ...to hold ...sickness ...health...

Her: Yes, what?

Priest: ...death do you part?

Him: Yes, I do..

Priest (top of his lungs): I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND AND WIFE, SUCKER!!! HA HA HA!!

And suddenly, the maids of honor, the guests, and the priest come out, yelling “Surprise!!” Champagne bottles are uncorked, jokes are made, speeches are toasted, and paramedics rush to check the groom’s pulse and other vital signs.

She has everything planned. She just needs to get a priest who’s willing to say ‘sucker’ in front of an audience. I predict it won’t really be a very pleasant ceremony.

Of course, personally, I plan to jump a hedge, dig a hole, jump in, and cover myself with dirt around that time.

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9 Responses

  1. Lekhni says:

    Methinks she is too good for this guy 😉

  2. anonymous says:

    You actually wrote the blog!!!! I thought you were kidding!

  3. mathew says:

    hehehe..another guy sharing the same ‘burden’..or is it!!
    I am havin my own share of pressure tactics during the biweekly phone calls home …running out of reasons these days.. ;-D
    do blog about 101 reasons to convince your parents!!

  4. clueless says:

    girls tend to be tht desperate these days??? well, i guess there is a tide in the affairs of women as well, wch when taken at flood leads to fortune..:p
    nice read…keep on writing more..

  5. hammy says:

    @lekhni:
    Oh, trust me. They’re purrfect for each other… 😀

    @anonymous:
    Tut tut tut. You know me. I’m a man of my word…. He hehehehee…

    @mathew:
    Biweekly? Let me tell you, buddy. My folks call me up E-V-E-R-Y day. Sometimes more than once. I dodge the issue efficiently most of the time, but it’s only a matter of time before tactics run out.
    My 101 arguments may be a good thing to post… except that I shouldn’t let my secrets out at this stage.
    😀

    @clueless:
    You got the wrong idea, cluey, ol’ boy. Neither of them are desperate. If you ask me, they’re just not taking things seriously. And as for the tide in affairs of women taken at flablabla… I’m sorry, but you lost me somewhere along the way… :O

    P.S. Thanks. Keep reading. 😀

  6. silverine says:

    ” I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND AND WIFE, SUCKER!!! HA HA HA!!”

    HA HA HA!!

    ‘He’ can afford to laugh! 😀

  7. Aishwariya says:

    But consider how easy the bride made it for the groom. He didn’t have to watch her go crazy about centre-pieces, floral arrangements, what kind of food to serve, napkin colours, seating plans and all that fun stuff! Hell, he didn’t even have to wear a tux. And it was probably the most inexpensive wedding…

    By the way, if you’re that keen on this underground-mud-bunker of yours, perhaps you might want to start stocking up on food, and interesting things to do while you’re down there. I don’t think parents give up that easy/quickly… Just a thought. 😛

  8. Margaret says:

    Aw, the poor groom. And he was probably dreaming up a similar scenario to get her to sign a pre-nup. And now it’s too late!

    I’m so glad you stopped by my blog. It allowed me to come here and see what you are doing. I LOVE your video. I am interesting in getting into personal video production, but haven’t invested in any software yet. Would you be willing to tell me what you used to create it? Or is that highly classified info?

    Cool blog!

  9. hammy says:

    @silverine:
    Yeah he can. Priests are notorious for laughing at marital vows… at least in my own twisted, paranoid world. 😀

    @aishwariya:
    I’m sure he wouldn’t think along those lines. At the precise moment the paramedics announce him suitable to get up so that he can fall down again, I doubt if he’d be counting those blessings.

    Well, I guess I’m gonna HAVE to get cosy in that underground-mud-bunker of mine. I already have a place to plug in my laptop. I also have basic facilities in place. I guess I’m good to go. Do visit.

    @margaret:
    I enjoyed visiting your blog. Thank you very much. That video took me nearly two weeks to make. It’s actually a flash file. I used Jasc Paint Shop Pro to edit the pictures… I used Sound Forge to make the sound loops… and I used Swishmax to create the final flash file.

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