The Sicker Sucker

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I’ve HAD it! It’s a goddamn antediluvian conspiracy. And I’m not talking about the conspiracy to get me to use ‘antediluvian’ in the wrong context. I’m talking about something bigger. Bigger, meaner and revolving around a common target… meeee.

Granted, I spend most of my time in Bangalore feverishly avoiding work by pretending to look busy. But I’m only human. I need my rest too. So I make it a plan to make monthly excursions into the land of constant puddles, broken roadways, dirty politics and workers on strike… Cochin, my hometown. The plan is consistent. Go rushing into the tired but waiting arms of the team known as dad and mom, and get pampered and smothered; get away from the drudgery of pretending to work. Fun days.

But something has misaligned the equation a bit, and I am not a happy camper. At least, I haven’t been, in my last few visits home. I fell sick. And I’m not talking ‘he’s-got-a-mild-fever-he’ll-have-to-take-a-few-days-off’ kind of sickness. I’m talking kick-ass-sicko kinda weird stuff that makes you stay awake at night coughing out gallons of the icky ooze. I was sicker than I’ve been in quite a long time… It was as if fate was converging on me; cornering me like a cowardly bully with a baseball bat.

When it rains, it pours. They handed me a not-so-neat dirty cocktail of headache, nausea, mild fever, productive cough, cold, muscle cramp, fatigue, throat infection, and – introducing the star ingredient – wheezing… Now, I do not handle sickness very well, often twisting, squirming, and being a general annoyance to people in the vicinity when the only ailment I face is a headache from watching too much TV. And this fiendish cocktail was just not my cup of tea. It totally screwed up my mini-vacation at home, and my naturally subsequent wails of woe drove my parents up the wall… and not in the cool spidermanish way.

Anyway, this was the first time I had wheezing. Add to that the characteristic breathing difficulty and throat infection, I sounded like Darth Vader trying to imitate Yoda after about 5 glasses of beer. And for you Star Wars fans out there… stop wondering.. it is NOT cool. SOOO not cool.

And I keep telling ya. It’s a conspiracy. This couldn’t have happened at a worse time. I had plans. This wasn’t one of those blissful trips where the plans were mostly revolved around watching movies on dad’s home theater system while munching on mom’s snacks.

I planned to visit cousins, attend a wedding, do some techno shopping, and visit the homes of one of my longtime chat friend, Anya. I did all of it, mind you, but I was about as active as a sedated cat. Couldn’t speak much because of the breathing thingy, couldn’t walk much because of… well, the same thingy…

And to top that all, I couldn’t even access the net. I was only able to login for about a minute or so, and that too, when I got to Anya’s place. And all this while The Offended Blogger‘s new ultra uberkickass directory Humor Bloggers dot com got revamped to glory. And still no net connect. My dad’s comp was broken. It was packed and sent off to the repair guys at this precise juncture… coincidence? conspiracy? You deci… No, thank you. I’ll decide. Not that I don’t trust you. Come on, why would I not trust you?? I’m not some crazed paranoid lunatic. Honest. Hey, it isn’t paranoia if there really ARE people in black suits and glasses waiting for me to fall asleep so that they can siphon my blood for weird tests.

Then I got back to Bangalore, ready to keep up the work pretense… it was harder to do sounding like Darth V imitating Y, but I managed one day somehow… and what do you know… the darned sickness is back at my throat again… Had to take another day off from work yesterday… And on the exact same day, the net connection at my Bangalore crib broke apart!! I had no internet connection till evening!! I smell conspiracy again. I think something big went down yesterday… and the forces that may were trying to keep me out. They figured if they keep me sick, sicker and sickest, I’ll just lie low and let things roll… and those guys wanted to keep me out of the loop. What guys? Just guys… Not you, of course… just.. you know.. guys… or gals. I can’t be sure. One thing’s for certain, though… I’m keeping my eyes open. You do that too. If you see something suspicious… Something BIG and suspicious, give me a whistle.

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15 Responses

  1. Dony says:

    I have been quite regular reading your blog these days.
    not repeating the praises found in comments…I just wish you could write a book soon.

    one of my favourite lines from you is “Kerala, a.k.a. God’s Own Country Leased by Devils in White Khadis”
    I couldn’t stop laughing:)

    some times your english vocabulary is overflowing my head; but I make up with

  2. dj says:

    ROFL, So it’s not just me that’s paranoid. I’m consoled. πŸ˜€

  3. Rinchen says:

    Heh. You were a sicko! πŸ˜›

  4. hammy says:

    Ah! I should charge, then, you think? Hmm… what if it’s a non profit organization?” I’d look like a greedy inconsiderate slob who’d do anything to squeeze money out of the underdogs. That’s not good. I’m trying to keep that a secret.

    Well, I guess I’ll have to let that go. Another revenue generating idea shot to hell. πŸ™

    But what the hell… at least I got you as a regular reader now. So Hooyah!

    For the last time, I am NOT paranoid! There really ARE guys out to get me! Dammit, won’t anybody understand? πŸ™

    Apparently, I was. Sargeant Sickafella. I still have traces of it. And office work is getting affected too. Conspiracy, I tell ya.

  5. Abraham says:

    hope it is not that damn chicken gunia…

    drove my parents up the wall… and not in the cool spidermanish way… he he he..:D

  6. when problems come, they come in a battalion, said i dont remember who:-)
    good read!

  7. dana says:

    Oh come on now. You’ve got this cauldron of contagious quagmire spilling forth and you submit ol’ mom and dad to your assorted germs? They HAVE to be looking forward to THOSE visits.

  8. hammy says:


    hope it is not that damn chicken gunia…

    Thanks, man. Thanks for putting my mind at ease.

    @kochuthresiamma p j:
    Oh? I must have misread the quotation. I always thought it was ‘When problems come, they come in a balloon’. That was quite reassuring… One needle jab and boom, problem no more. That’s why I had such a laid back life. Dammit. So it’s a battalion, eh? Gulp.

    Hey, you don’t know my folks. They’ve been getting used to my eccentricities and associated quagmires for 27 years now. They’re immune. Invincible. They’re the amazing supadad and supamom. Nothing fazes them. NOTHING… except rap music and pasta. And yes, they look forward to even those visits. πŸ˜‰

  9. what was that quote ‘When you don’t want something, all the universe conspires in making that happen!!; :-),,wheezin…i tell ya..have been thru that…the other person feels that you are still under that spell of the amazing *ex you had last night!!

  10. Margaret says:

    I know this place where you can rent healthy bodies while your sick one goes through its course. But it’s a crap shoot and there’s no telling what you’ll look like while you’re on the mend. You could look like Angelina Jolie…or you could look like a troll. You just have to ask yourself if it’s worth the risk. Also? It costs like a million dollars, so again, the cost-to-benefit ratio may not be worth it. And you have to fly to the South Pole to exchange your “package”. So there’s the inconvenience factor. And if they screw things up, you’re stuck with the new body, so there’s that.

    Hope this helps.

  11. Arun says:

    Hmm, hope everything is fine now! If not, get well soon!!!

  12. when shakespeare said it , it was battalion – some optimists must have brilliantly altered it to balloon. ‘from a battallion to a balloon” good topic for a blog:-)

  13. clueless says:

    (achoo!) oh, so u’re sick?? (sniff) damn those conspiracies!!! you know wot?? they are (achoo!!) everywer. come it rains wen i don’t have an umbrella?(achoo!) how come my net goes off on the last day of my project date ??? i keep one thing safe for like years, decide to throw it out, and find that the very next day i need it badly?? how come i am perfectly well on all my class tests and fall ill
    (achoo!!!) on the day of our excursion?? i tell you, theres something out there, to get me..and u, ofcourse…

    don’t give in(achoo!!) fig(hiccup!!)t back..we mite lose the battle, but the war is (achoo)on!!

  14. hammy says:

    @ancient mariner:
    The whachamay wat universe conspires in..? Ah.. yes. Just what I said… Conspiracy. It’s a blatant conspiracy.

    Ouch. Thanks for the heads up, Margaret. I’m so glad I didn’t agree to the switch with Michael Jackson; sure, a couple of days of waiting period would have been fine, but Whacko Jacko didn’t clue me in on the fine print. Thanks.

    Thanks, man. I’m much better now. Still not completely back to normal… or even back to my old self, but now I’m rather optimistic about survival…

    @kochuthresiamma p j:
    So ur saying there IS a possibility that it wasn’t me just twisting things into words I want to hear? Hooyah!

    Of course it’s on. Man the battle stations. So what if we don’t know who the conspirators are… We shoot at everybody who we don’t recognize. No unfamiliar face left unshot.

    On a related note, study my photograph carefully. I don’t want you shooting me by accident.

  15. Aishwariya says:

    Of course it is a conspiracy. Everyone and everything is out to get you. You just matter *that* much. πŸ˜›

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