Party In The Sixties

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Let’s give it to my dad, the world’s youngest sexagenarian. This Saturday, my dad celebrated 60 years of energetic existance, with a party of thirty in close tow. His siblings and their extended family zeroed in on the center stage, our home back in Cochin. It was a grand gala. And I jumped in head first.

I know, I know. I know what you’re thinking…

“Hey, Hammy. Is it true that if a time machine were ever to be built, the builder can actually go back through time, give the plans to a 1930s engineer, and make time travel possible in our time?”

Whatha… Time tr.. Ok, ok. So I DIDN’T know what you were thinking. I was expecting you to think along the lines of “Hey, Hammy. With the Democles Sword of marriage being poised at you right now, isn’t it suicidal to go attend a function with thirty-odd relatives prepared to lunge at the matter?”

Well, I admit. The thought DID occur to me… I DID think of the possibility. I mean… I dreaded the possibility. Ok, dammit. I had nightmares about it after which I woke up all sweaty and screaming, praying to Gods from four different religions. Happy?

So yes, sure I thought about it. They are loving, caring relatives of mine… uncles and aunts who used to pinch my cheeks to elastic proportions back in my toddler years. There was no doubt about it. The matter would rise.

But then again, it WAS dad’s 60th birthday… And they were all family. I couldn’t just hide away forever, could I? I couldn’t just cash in my nonexistant stock, get beer supplies, and run off into the woods, living off the fat of the land and beating my chest to chat around with gorillas, could I? Nope. Not happening. How would I upload my posts on the site, then? Where would I to get connected to the internet from the woods, huh? Bet you didn’t think about that. Did you?

So I bit my lip, kept an ice cube on it to reduce the swelling – shouldn’t have bitten that hard, I guess – and waltzed into the party, chanting in my mind that “Forewarned is forearmed”. I was ready for them. I was reminded of George W Bush trying to scare suicidal martyrs with the tauntingly scary ‘Bring It On’ speech. But I still felt ready.Β  I had prepared some excellent, though cheesy comebacks…

Q: “So, Hammy… when are you getting married?”

A: “Oh, I got married last Friday. Gave it my best shot. Didn’t quite work out. Divorce got final last night.”

Q:“Hey, Hammy… so what’s the scene like… you found someone yet?”

A:“Not yet. But I have my hopes. I check the lost and found section every day”

Q:“Hammy… Isn’t it about time you started thinking about marriage?”

A:“What? It’s only 8:40. Not time yet.”

Q:“Hammy, I’m telling you… you need to think about the future.”

A:“Oh, I have. I think a lot about the future. I see… I see… I see dark seas rising… Global floods… People dying…. Buildings falli… Wait. Maybe I’m picking up the sequel to The Day After Tomorrow. Hey!! I’m new at this stuff.”

But then again, when the actual time came, the golden words eluded me. I whimpered, scratched my head, and changed the topic with the inherent grace of a limping shrimp.

But all thngs considred, I’m glad I attended the function. Me and my bro bought a decorative musical candle, the Korg PA 50, which is a large musical keyboard, and an even larger cake.

Seriously, we didn’t quite understand how large a crowd of thirty would be. And hence we were unable to figure out exactly how much cake we would really need. You know my mind. It somehow conjured up images of violent kung fu warriors lunging at each other fighting over the cake. If I had kept that thought for another five seconds, I knew I’d face trouble… I’d have Carl Douglas’ Kung Fu Fighting song infesting my head for hours.

I wasn’t prepared to take that kind of chance. I bought the largest cake they were able to bake, which, it turned out, was the size used to feed small rebel armies. Though five out of five guests agreed that the cake was great; mondo supremo; we still ended up with over half the cake being shoved into the fridge. I know what you’re thinking –

“Hamish, if the square root of the velocity of the time traveled in space were to be equated to the linear mass of…”

? ? ? ? Ok, ok, ok. Stop it! We need to work on our communication. You and I.

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15 Responses

  1. “Stop it! We need to work on our communication. You and I.” ROTFL… the signing off line is a masterpice πŸ™‚ the uncle-autny army is out there to get every one.. the bogeymen cometh… >:)

  2. Bill Libbey says:

    My gawd, but you’re funny! My best wishes to your Dad, I’ve been 60 for a week now, and still don’t feel a day over 59. But you – you really do need to think about getting married Hammy, you’re not getting any younger. I know a girl who’d be just right for you………… :>)

  3. Bee says:

    :o( I get the “so when are you having a baby?” question. At first I would laugh it off but now I feel like tearing people’s faces off. I don’t think my mom would be happy with me if I did…

  4. Chelle B. says:

    Just tell them all you are gay or are planning on giving yourself to the priesthood, or both. That will shut ’em up! πŸ˜€

  5. Moi says:

    Ooh, love the comebacks, all of them. Let me know how they work out !:)

  6. dana says:

    They are just resentful that you have, thus far, eluded the ultimate sacrifice of your freedom. But, while we’re on the subject…… got any prospects? What AREN’T you married? You gay or trying out for the priesthood?

  7. chat blanc says:

    Marriage is so overrated. Don’t cave to the pressure! πŸ™‚

  8. silverine says:

    It never stops. First it is “when are you getting married” question. Then the baby question. Then the second child question. Then the family planning question. I think it is a habit. For some its concern, but its best not to fall for peoples machinations however sincere. Let you be at the helm of your life ship!

    Belated birthday wishes to your dad πŸ™‚

  9. hammy says:

    @anoop aka –xh:
    Well, there is no alternative. I have to form my own army against the UncleAunty SWAT teams. Have to develop a defense strategy. All in favor of Operation Run’n Hide say Aye.

    I thought so.

    @bill libbey:
    AHA, Bill. You’re one of them, aren’t you? A covert agent for the UncleAunty SWAT teams in the guise of a witty animator. I’m ON to you. So there!

    Hoy, Bee. Thanks for the heads up. So you’re saying no matter what I do, questions will always keep popping up? So open rebellion and revolts are the only way to keep sanity in check, then?

    And yes, tearing off people’s faces tends to trigger rebukes from moms. It seems to be an universal law or something.

    @chelle b:
    A gay priest, eh? Will give it a shot, but I doubt if they’d buy it. They’re on to the fact that I’m as straight as they come, and they usually have to hire tractors and cranes to drag me to church on Sundays. But I’ll give it a shot anyway. Cos you know best, Chelle

    The comebacks fizzled like an open can of soda in a furnace. They were all brushed aside. Apparently, they’d come prepared for them too…

    Dana, you have the knack of stomping people when they’re down. I guess you’ve also teamed up with the Uncle’nAunt SWAT team. By GOD, they’re on a recruitment spree. Soon they’ll get the whole world against me. Dammit. I gotta hide.

    @chat blanc:
    Roger that, Blanc. I’ll hold fort as long as I can.

    Some people take it well, though. Well, it could have been worse, I guess. At least my folks are cool enough to give me the right to veto. I don’t know how long that will last, but I’ll make good use of it. πŸ˜€

    I’ll pass on your wishes to Daddy Cool. I’m sure he’d appreciate it, so let me thank you on his behalf in advance. Thanks. πŸ˜€

  10. philip says:

    Hi Hamish, first time here and you’ve got a fantastic blog πŸ™‚ I’m surprised I didn’t wander into this blog sooner.

  11. clueless says:

    u aint married yet?? yawn!!!

  12. hammy says:

    Hey, welcome, Philip. Thank you very much. I’ve wandered into your blog several times, actually… courtesy, Silverine’s recommendation. πŸ™‚

    Oh, I’m sorry, Clueless. I’m sorry the wincing drama of my smothering, suffocating family-led circus game, ‘Push Hammy Down the Wedding Well’ isn’t entertaining enough to stifle your yawn…
    Maybe I can get you some coffee. Ought to keep you awake for a few seconds. And ya, as of 1:31 PM, Indian Standard Time, September 4, 2008…. I ain’t married yet. πŸ˜‰

    He he…

  13. clueless says:

    hey,HEY!! that yawn dint mean THAT…u have been talking abt ppl to push u down the wedding well for soo long tht i thot u wld have tied the knot by now……

    btw, WHY aint u married?? oh, and may be i should tell u,am one who thinks along ur relatives’ thoughts…well,i wld like to have my route cleared wen its ma chance…so i do keep nagging all the route blocking brothers and sisters i knw….its guys who are the paras….we girls are sorta ready right frm the age we strtd playing house i guess….;))

    oh,u r tired of the “get married” dialogues huh??? wait till u hear the “kunjikaal” dialogue…..cmon..we malayalis can be senti……

    ur blogs are always entertaining,more than enuf..i just got tired of saying tht…keep riting more…

    oh and bring on the coffee…it wont hurt,no matter how entertaining ur blog is.

  14. Abraham says:

    I am going to borrow this one for personal use..and sorry I ain’t going to give the copyright notice…:D

    Q:β€œHammy… Isn’t it about time you started thinking about marriage?”

    A:β€œWhat? It’s only 8:40. Not time yet.”


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