A Brief Madness
I was getting bored out of my considerably large shell this weekend, when life suddenly jumped up and slapped me right across the face screaming “How in BLAZES can you be bored? Take a look around, dammit. Take a look around!”. I can tell you it wasn’t a pleasant experience. Oh, no. My head rattled for the better part of an hour. Life can be a bitch.
But it’s true. The world is a funny place. A fruitful land of perennial amusement, always dishing out gourmet banquets of unrestrained hilarity, enough to keep any normal guy rolling on the floor laughing, eventually falling down the stairs and breaking vital bones. The only reason our hospitals are not overrun by people like these is the abysmally low supply of the modern ‘normal guy’.
Not easy to find. He’s part of a dying breed, a relic of bygone eras… Come to think of it, I don’t think he was that common in the ‘bygone eras’ either. I guess he’s just a myth. Never existed. A mirage on the horizon, the neighbor to the boogeyman, the tooth fairy, Santa Claus and the honest politician. But I’ve strayed away from my point. I tend to do that at times.
To get back on track, the ‘normal guy’ is in short supply. Instead, we have people who try to sell used underwear, and worse… people who actually buy them, and EVEN worse… people who pay $1 million for the said item.
New Jersey businessman Henry Vacarro is apparently auctioning off whacko Jacko’s used knickers on ebay, which were confiscated during his child molestation trial in 2003. This brings to mind a lot of questions , like ‘Is this for real?’, ‘What is this world coming to?’ and ‘Is the brief in question black or white?’ (Ans. White). The Calvin Klein briefs, which has apparently not been washed since before the trial (it comes sealed in the ‘police evidence’ bag), has a reserve bid of $1 million. Clearly, Vacarro’s faith in the abundance of natural stupidity is unshaken. He knows the world. Somewhere out there, is a retarded millionaire who will click on the ebay link, leaving Vacarro a richer and wiser man.
On first thoughts, you may naturally assume that Vacarro is off his rockarro. And I wouldn’t blame you for thinking so. I mean… What exactly is the market for used underwear? It has to be a niche audience (By GOD I hope so).. And within that niche audience, we need someone who would buy unwashed used underwear. And it would be an even smaller circle who would buy unwashed used underwear for over a million dollars!
So I can understand you thinking that way, but then you are forgetting that the undies belonged to Michael Jackson. Before losing his head (metaphorically) and nose (literally), he was a legend. Vacarro probably reasons that there HAS to be people who appreciates the finer qualities and understands the benefits of his offering –
- Conversation Starter – Imagine a group of people walking into a billionaire mansion, greeting a proud and smiling host. They don’t notice the exquisite architecture or the Ming Vases or the Van Gogh paintings hanging on the wall (Oh, please! Which billionaire doesn’t have a Ming or a Gogh? It’s so passe.) Instead, all eyes focus on the spotlighted police evidence bag mounted right alongside the ancestral portraits; and the bag contains the King of Pop’s stained drawers. There is no end to the kind of respect they would then have for the host. They would refuse to shake his offered hand as a mark of deference, and further showcase their reverence by running away at upwards of 40 miles per hour.
- Personal Investigation – For the prudent amateur detective, it is imbecilic to believe what you read in the papers. Michael Jackson was cleared of all charges in 2003. Bah. Who can really trust the post-OJ legal system? “If you want to do something right”, the prudent a. d. would mutter, “you have to do it yourself.” The logical step would be to buy the item and check for DNA himself.
- Impress Your Date – Not everyone is gifted with Brad Pittish looks, Tom Cruisish wealth, or Barney Stinsonish schemes. Some people have to walk a different path. In a dark, secluded, romantic spot, right before dessert, move in closer to her ear and whisper seductively “You know… I’m wearing Michael Jackson’s briefs”, and after a minute of stunned silence, smile and add – “and they haven’t been washed since he last wore them in 2003”. Your date would undoubtedly swoon into your arms in passionate ecstasy. Either that, or you’ll get your head bashed in by people responding to her screams. But hey, what’s love without taking a few chances?
- Clone MJ – What with all the technological advancements happening around us, it is only a matter of time before someone fine tunes the cloning process, and while most people would have to be content cloning relatively unknown artistes (“Hey, I have my own copy of a Backstreet Boy” – “Oh? Which one?” – “Uhmm… The… the one with that beardy thing” – “Ooh-kay… Cool, I… guess”), you have the means to clone the King of Pop himself. The auctioned undies come with Jacko’s stains intact. You can finally check for yourself if he’s black or white; you can have a miniature army of noseless moonwalkers parading your ground. I don’t really know anyone who’d want that, but one thing’s for sure… No more trouble from those pesky neighborhood kids.
- Questions laid to rest – It has long been speculated that Michael is a) an alien, b) the missing link, or c) just an ordinary, regular freak. To this date, the issue hasn’t been completely resolved. Perhaps, with proper tests done on the million dollar designer briefs, we can reach some sort of a conclusion.
- Tales by the fireside – The ultimate campfire story… “Remember back in 2008, when grandpa was just a fumbling geeky gazillionaire, and grandpa bought the magical briefs from Neverland? Well, it was a…”
And these are just off the top of my head. It won’t take long for Vacarro to realize that the product has more potential than he’s built it up to have. He may, in fact, try to add value to the product. He may try to get it autographed by the man himself (“Hey, Mike. Long time fan here. Recognize these briefs? Well, it’s from the old 2003 trial where you got pinched for feeling up a minor. I was wondering… would you please… Hey, let go of me!! I’m a free citizen, dammit.”) Or maybe he can cut Mike in on the deal. And have him endorse the product; wear it around for a few more days… Sure, it’s going to be a difficult task, but it’s worth the effort. Remember, presumably, Mike has a lot more of those back home.
In any case, I sure hope he tries to meet the guy. It’ll sure make an interesting read. Should be fun. Unless I start rolling on the floor laughing and eventually fall down the stairs and break a vital bone.