Croak a bye Hammy

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It has been a long sneaking suspicion that my company is trying to work me to death. I’ve been weighing the facts this way and that for a while. I’ve put the case forward to friends all around, just to see if I was being paranoid. With the workload in the past two months that seemed designed to break backs, nine out of ten friends agree that it’s not paranoia; they really are out to get me. And as for the tenth friend, he’s probably in on it.

Never trust the tenth guy. He's the one with one hand hidden behind him.Wikimedia Commons

Never trust the tenth guy. He’s the one with one hand hidden behind him.

So they WERE trying to slowly work me to death. Not anymore, though. They found a shortcut.

Current company policies seem strongly in favor of deploying me into the hot pockets of regional warfare. It has been a dormant, but impending decision that I shall travel on a market research job to Pakistan. I didn’t object to that at the time. While it is not the safest place one can expect to be, people told me that it is not as bad as I had imagined, mostly because my imagination typically runs wild.

...and is often directed by Michael Baypixabay.com

…and is often directed by Michael Bay

And then all of a sudden, we had the Mumbai terrorist attacks, when snarling retards with guns and grenades started popping people off the streets, showering Mumbai with crimson fountains and flaying bodies like a Quinten Tarantino movie – and the first thing I hear as I walk into office, is that I am to do a new Focus Group Discussion exercise in Mumbai. Just like that. It’s like they’re waiting for the perfect storm before they send me out fishing. Ceasar would probably have had more remorse when he said “Throw him to the lions.”

I am not a news reading man. Talk to me about the latest buzzword from the front pages, and the astute man can observe a dazed and confused look camouflaged by concerned head-nods and practiced tut-tuts at the appropriate times. But I am not as bad as my dad makes out to be. When he learned about my Mumbai and Pakistan trips in the offing, he decided that it was because I didn’t understand the situation. He has nearly given up trying to get me to read the newspaper every day.

He called me up and explained things as simple as he could. “Son”, he said,”There’s this place here… Mumbai. You’ve been there before, you’ll remember; It’s where your friend Visakh lives. And recently, terrorists have gone on a blood rampage in some of the busiest and affluent areas of…. Am I going to fast? Well, you see… There are these terrorists… terrorists are bad people. Really bad people. They have guns… bang bang… and bombs… boom. And on the 27th of November… that is, under a week ago…”

“Dad!! I’m not THAT bad with current events. I know what’s happening.”

“Oh, no you don’t. Or else you’d not have said you’re going to Pakistan and Mumbai now.”

“Dad! I didn’t say that. I just said that maybe the company may ask me to go.”

“And what are you going to do?”

“I’ve thought very carefully about this. At first, I’ll laugh out loud, hold my stomach, say – ‘Good one, boss’, and walk away.”

“Ok. And what if they ask you again. This time, more strongly?”

“I’ll roll my eyes around, look them straight in the eye, and… wait.. Can I look them straight in the eye if I’m rolling my eyes around?”

“Eh??”

“No. I think that’s going to be difficult. Unless they are on a ferris wheel. A small ferris wheel. But fast. A small, but fast ferris wheel; that way, I can roll my eyes and look them straight in the eyes at the same time. The trick is to find a ferris wheel like that and to get them all on it. Now how do I do that? Hmm… Maybe, if I…”

“What in blazes are you talking about??”

“Ferris wheel, dad. That goes round and round, kinda in line with the rolling of…”

“Son… you’re rambling. Again.”

“Oh”

“Spurting incoherent junk”

“Ok. Sorry.”

“Totally off track. Get back to the topic”

“Fine. What was the topic?”

“What are you going to do if they ask you again…?”

“Ah. yes. I’ll roll my eyes, say – ‘You’re serious?‘, shake my head, and walk away.”

“Walk away again?? How far can you walk away? How big IS your office anyway?”

“Well, it’s not a large office, I admit. But if I can manage my way AROUND the management, maybe I can retrace…”

“Aarrgh. You’re rambling again. You just tell me this much – Are you going to accept a trip to Pakistan?”

“No.”

“There. That wasn’t hard, was it? That’s all I wanted to know.”

Lovely chit chats dad and I keep having.

Anyway, that’s the stand. I am not implying that all of Pakistan isΒ violent, but the way things are right now, I wouldn’t risk it. I’m a market researcher. I’m not trained for these situations. With my luck, once the project is under way, and I’m in the middle of collecting consumer reports for some random product, turban clad Jihadists with spare ammunition will chalk me up as a chubby terrorist and try to use me as a bargaining chip. I really can’t afford to be taken hostage right now. Chances are they won’t let hostages browse the net or anything. And I have my blog to think about, don’t I?

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13 Responses

  1. Nash says:

    hahaha.. nice one bro.. maybe you should ask your company to give you a licensed revolver.. just in case..(you can always turn the gun back at them) πŸ˜‰

  2. Madan says:

    Does your company also accept contracts? I know a couple of people i’d wanna send around the world…!!!

  3. Meena Iyer says:

    LOL!! I cudnt help laughing loudly and ppl here are looking at me weirdly.. esp since I sit in front of my TL who incidentally doesnt like me and thinks I waste too much time and am too low at productivity.. he is right.. but that doesnt mean he has to pick on me everytime he sees I have not done any work for past 4 hours.. .. I mean I catch up in last one hour.. ah well.. my point is people are looking at me weirdly!

    πŸ™‚

  4. Deb says:

    Loved the father-son exchange! Practice saying the word “no” so you’ll be ready when the big wigs come your way wanting to send you to far off dangerous places. Stay safe!

  5. hm. appo pakistanil pokunilla, alle… kidu.. chirichu chirichu mathiyayi… aa ferris wheel kollam.. πŸ™‚

  6. RedRaider says:

    Damn Hammy sounds like your company has a lot of fun in store for you. I can’t believe that they actually would send you there now though. Well, what better reason to become a martyr than for your beloved employer!

  7. Profile photo of hammy hammy says:

    @nash:
    Quite obviously, you don’t have any clue about the accounts team in my company. If they DO set me up with a revolver, they won’t give an approval for bullets. Once that is approved, I’ll have daily forms to fill out for a) what I used the gun for that day, b) why I used it, c) how using the gun has helped me be cost efficient, d) if I didn’t use the gun, why not, e) why not using the gun that day helped me be cost efficient, and these are just for the gun. I’ll have to file similar reports on each of the bullets, the holster, and any other accessory a gun might come with.

    I suspect forms like these are how typical terrorists get started.

    @madan:
    Hey, I’d have had no problem going ‘around the world’, you know. It’s the specific destination of choice I’m debating. People consider all kinds of parameters before deciding on a travel destination. For me, one of the strong parameters just happens to be the firearms:headcount ratio.

    @meena iyer:
    Staring at you weridly, uh? I remember back when that was something new; it doesn’t feel so good. The good news is that you get used to it… eventually.
    P.S. Try to practice the ‘I’m just browsing the net for information I can use for my projects’ in front of a mirror. It’s a handy skill… Just don’t put it up on your resume.
    πŸ˜‰

    @deb:
    Yep, Deb. I’ve been practicing the big ‘no’ for a while. I’ll turn saying ‘no’ into an art. I’ll be the king of naysayers. Dr. No. The Hollywood No Man. Dr. No from No man’s land. A nay for a nay, a toot for a hoot. At least, that’s the plan.

    @anoop aka -xh-:
    Thanks. πŸ™‚

  8. eve says:

    Hammy…
    Hon, we’ve been over this! Your daddy is right. If you do have to go, it could make for some great posts though…You may be the newest James Bond!
    Eve

  9. Kriti says:

    ROFL!!!

    You sound like some modern P. G. Wodehouse..
    And oh… by the way. if you find a small ferry wheel.. please let me know where you got it.
    It is indeed diffcult to look people straight in the eye while rollg your eyes!
    πŸ˜›

    keep blogging.
    Cheers!

  10. Profile photo of hammy hammy says:

    @eve:
    Well, by historical reference, daddy is usually always right. But as far as the next James Bond is concerned, Craig probably won’t let me. Remember, he works out every day. And he’s got a gun.

    @kriti:
    Ok. As soon as I get the Ferris wheel, I’ll ring you up. See if other people are interested. Maybe we can get a discount if we buy in bulk. We’ll be a small ferris wheel owning, eye rolling, straight-in-the-eye-looking gang…

  11. Mea Culpa says:

    Lovely dad’s lovely boy,
    Daddy is right…. everytime… and u know dat!!! don’t u?

    If they (terrorists …. terrorists are bad people. Really bad people) keep you… they wouldn’t let u blog… and people like us can’t afford dat…. so say NO!!!

  12. Kriti says:

    Yes of course! I have already started registering the names of those who are intersted and the Ferris Wheel has garnered such interest that I am planning to get posters printed now…
    DO ring me up when you get it!
    πŸ˜‰

  13. Munjal says:

    haha….. nostalgic when read about Focus Group or FGD as we used to call it…. and who was that professor….. Bhattacharya!!!? dunno…. but a nice article hammy…..

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