Check mate

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It’s all about stages. That’s all. Man goes through several stages in life, and one of the preconditioned milestones through the quagmire of existential race… is marriage. The body clock gives timely reminders for shaping the mind to adapt to each stage. For a while now, my parents, among others, have been raining on me to rush to the alter. What they don’t realize is that my body clock broke down in my adolescent stage. Broke down completely, and nobody really noticed. I’ve been trying to repair it ever since I found out about the damage, but I haven’t been really rushing the job, though.

So I’ve been dodging the inevitable through random squirming, counter-offensive tactics, and slipaway maneuvers, but I doubt if it’s going to last long now. Mom has commissioned my brother to take a snap of me which they can give to some matrimonial site/ agent/ somebody. Considering that we live together and that he sleeps with a camera in close reach, I have to accept that he’s going to be difficult to dodge.

I don’t mean to imply that he’s got his task cut out for him, mind you. On any given day, the Hammy hair is disheveled, the eyes are bloodshot, and the jaw is riddled with random sprouts of ungroomed follicular protrusions. The impulsive reaction of the sober girl would more likely be to ring up the anti-terrorist wing than to nod agreement to a walk down the aisle.

But he’s a persistent little brother, he is. So it seems like the dreaded snap is bound to hit the marketplace soon enough. And this means it’s time for phase 2 of the master plan.

Yes. I have a phase 2. Always did. I’m an Engineer.

Back when the nupital talks and negotiations started… well over a year ago, mom had indicated that I would have the absolute power to veto any candidate as I pleased; I’ve never had absolute power on anything before. I just hope it doesn’t go to my head.

She had also asked me to specify what I’d look for in my partner; so that the infamous search can be channelized… a checklist of sorts…

There are, as always, two courses of action I can pursue in this matter

  1. I can think it through and provide a mature, realistic, helpful, logical set of guidelines and parameters that can streamline a potentially rewarding union.
  2. I can engineer stumbling blocks of embellished hyperbole that can extend my parole for an unpredictable amount of time.

Following ONE of these paths (Notice how I’m cunningly avoiding specifying which one) I have made the following checklist for my unwitting mate.

  1. Drop-dead-gorgeous – You’d think I’m just playing around with words; rejuvenating a phrase that is gradually retiring to clichéhood. I’m not. I’ll insist on documented proof of at least three instances where people have clutched their chest and fell down dead on the spot right after seeing her, and I’ll need that attested by the presiding judge. Hers should be the definitive face that routinely launches a thousand ships every weekend (towards… not away from… I’m careful about loopholes like that); a beauty pageant shoo in, except, you know, not as dumb… which brings me to the second point.
  2. Madame smartypants – The envy of Marilyn vos Savant, she should be the kind that kills spare time by collecting PHDs and harvesting nuclear energy from leftover breadcrumbs. Bona fide scientists must already be pondering over the possibility that she has spontaneously grown a spare brain.
  3. The definitive fast tracker – Steadfast and eager at her job, she should be the leading cause of job insecurity and extenuating inferiority complexes amongst her bosses, particularly in light of her bumper sticker that reads “Bosses are the stepping stones to success”. She doesn’t break glass ceilings; she melts them with intense and aggressive stares.
  4. Boundless ambition – The quintessential go-getter, she should exude power and confidence; the kind of person who grinds her own coffee beans… with her teeth; arm wrestles with crocodiles, gorillas and desolate bosses… all mere practice for her primary objective – global domination.
  5. Unbridled sense of humor – by which I mean she should get or pretend to get all my jokes and frequently roll off the pavement convulsed with laughter when I make a goofy face or a stupid play on words. This shall, of course, be tested in broad daylight.
  6. Compulsive headbanger – She must be a diehard devotee of rock music. She should at least have seriously thought of getting a guide dog for herself because she often gets lost in music. Ideally, she should have knocked down a couple of guys when she was headbanging to Linkin Park’s ‘In the end’…
  7. Hollywood nutcase – She should be the edge-of-the-seat, wide eyed, popcorn munching movie crazed Hollywood junkie. This way, we’ll have something to talk about. She should ideally puke when she sees Bollywood rip offs.
  8. Hair loom – At the current rate of population drop on the Hammy noggin, it may not be wise to have her hair loom too long. She shouldn’t be bald, but she also shouldn’t carry so much hair around that I’m tempted to hide stationary in there.

I also wanted to include ‘faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in single bounds’, but that seemed to be taking it too far. I’ll reserve that for phase 3.

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17 Responses

  1. Amyoops says:

    Funny, I thought the stages in man’s life were
    1. believed in santa claus
    2. where santa
    3. looks like santa

    but that must only be here in the US

  2. anand says:

    I usually throw my aunts off track with a “Yeah, I plan to buy a washing machine after I get the raise”

  3. lol… i am using some of these tactics and so far, I am successful, and plans to stretch my bachelorhood for at least one more year…

    ‘faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in single bounds’ seems a good idea… these and coupled with “she should be able to ride her own geared two wheeler and should be able to change a punched tire, clean spark plugs and change oil” will make sure that I enjoy my freedom till some more time 🙂

  4. HawaiianPun says:

    Being new to your site, I have to ask: How hyperbolic is this post? I.e., Are your parents really trying to marry you off? And if I may get a little personal, seeing as how we’re hitting it off so well, is this a standard aspect of your religion/spirituality/cult of choice?

  5. What about women who make soup? Are they on the list too?

    What about chicks who say “yo”, “dude” and “you’re killin’ me over here”. Off the list?

    Are there bonus points for women who hate pink?

    I’m just askin’….

  6. hammy says:

    I surely hope not. Cos that may mean I’m awfully close to the last stage of life. Brrrr….

    I’ll try that the next time. I don’t think they’ll get it, but hell, I’ll try anything.

    @anoop aka -xh-:
    Tut tut tut, Anoop. Female mechanics are not as hard to come by as you seem to think. If all you’re banking on currently is her prowess at the two wheeler, one day, you’ll wake up groggy eyed to find that you’re married.

    @hawaiian pun:
    Hmm… The post is not as hyperbolic as a feather sinking a submarine, but more hyperbolic than a tattoo leaving scars.

    So let’s just say somewhere in between.

    My parents are not trying to ‘marry me off’, as you put it, but they are egging me to resign from bachelorhood… Prevalent notion is that I will take life a bit seriously after that. Scary.

    The ‘standard aspect of my religion/ spirituality/ cult’ by birth is to have my concerned kinsmen hinting, nudging, plotting, giggling, badgering and lecturing until I shout “Awright, awright, I’ll do it. JUst give me back the remote”

    @christa at giggle on:
    Christa, the list is only partial, and subject to modification based on
    1. my whims and fancy
    2. whether the other criteria are getting dangerously close to being met

    Women who make soup are definitely on the list. And I’m not talking about ‘chicken soup for the soul’ kind of soup either. What kind of a foodie dude would I be if I don’t reserve space for soup on the list?

    About chicks who say ‘yo’, I don’t see why they should be off the list, unless they begin every sentence like that… “Yo, I do. Y’all hear?”

    Chicks who say ‘dude’, are also welcome, unless they do that for everyone they meet… “So yo. I met this dude, a certain Miss. Elizabeth, and she…”

    Chicks who say ‘you’re killing me over here’ out loud in public may get on your nerves, though. Particularly if you ARE killing her over there. So I’ll reserve the right to use that later.

    I don’t have anything against pink personally, but there will definitely be a special reservation for women who hate pink. For those who don’t hate pink, I’ll award points for those who hate BOTH red and white. You have to be fair, you know…

  7. Winnie the poohi says:


    I know of a person who fits right in 🙂 The heroine of “My super ex- girlfriend” 😀 😀

    May be I should let your mom know 😀

  8. Kriti says:

    Good one…

    Can’t see anyone but me fitting the bill and as I have no intentions of marrying in near future (or any future for that matter), your bachelorhood is preserved!


    party, eh?

  9. Me says:

    You might be closer than you think, actually. All you want is an ambitious doctor lady who likes rock music and Hollywood movies. Laughing at your jokes… almost anyone can pretend well enough to fool you anyway ;). Maybe your list needs a check, mate..

  10. hammy says:

    @winnie the poohi:
    That would be quite an age difference, but you know I could never say no to Uma Thurman. Go right ahead. 😉

    Well, Kriti lady, I suppose the mot juste at this point is…


    Sure. Party on. Booze is on me.

    Ouch. I guess I’ll have to revise the party plans for now. I’m going to need my booze back.

    Well, ok. This is easily remedied. ‘No doctors’… That ought to take care of it for a while. Thanks for the heads up, Me.

  11. roshny says:

    ah!! the washing machine dialogue…never try that!! trust me on it,i am afterall his sis!! anything but the washing machine dialogue..oh,if you never want to get married at all..well,ok,then that might work!

    you are running out of topics..hmm..

  12. Dan Brantley says:

    Be ready Hammy…When you least expect it… the”one” is going to pull this post out of some long forgotten internet archive and hit you with it.

  13. Deb says:

    Your list sounds reasonable to me. You could always get a dog with all those qualities, you know. Just a thought.

  14. ettarose says:

    Darling, what Moms are pushing their little boys to get married for is to prove they are not gay. Thats what Moms do. Plus she wants grandkids.

  15. Karthik says:

    ROFL@1000 ships moving away idea. Too good :))

    LOL overall!

  16. amooma says:

    Oho! So thats the checklist. Very realistic list indeed. According to my estimate, we will get to hear wedding bells before the year is out. Ur ‘the one’ is probably leaping buildings and crossing seas at this very moment to get to u.

    Not to worry, all the girls ur mom will show probably have their own checklists. It will be a rare case when ur checklist matches hers.

  1. December 23, 2008

    […] Check mate […]

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