What a zitty month

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This sort of thing shouldn’t happen to me. Not at this age. When you have moved on across the path of maturity, there are some baggages that you essentially leave behind; dump a bag or two on the maturity road and hope nobody comes and pinches you for littering. Some of the leading experts à la mom ‘n dad might argue that I shouldn’t complain cos I haven’t really matured… at least not mentally. FIne. I’ll give them that. But if that’s the argument, then I should carry some emotional baggage, not physical. I don’t mind the emotional baggage of immaturity. Hell, I wouldn’t be too far off in saying I enjoy most of them… Indignation, anger, frivolous mood swings and temper tantrums. Who wouldn’t?

But I’m almost 28 now. Shouldn’t I be rid of zits? Back in high school, they used to pop up every now and then like the potholes in Cochin zitty… err… city. I didn’t care. Mom would launch on the 12 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Pick Zits lecture. None of it bothered me. As far as I was concerned, I didn’t pick it. It picked me. In any case, I was never pockmarked with zit armies, like I’ve seen on many of my fallen comrades.

So if I didn’t bother then, why bother now? I wouldn’t… really, except for one thing… Most of the going ons on my face, I can ignore. In fact, I’d be strategically positioned to ignore them, as long as I avoided mirrors, which was not too difficult. Mirrors and I were never a great couple anyway; seldom did we meet without a serious disagreement. In fact, most of the times I use a mirror, I’d leave with a face full of tiny punctures. Yeah, I still need to get the groove on the shaving thing.

I stray from the point. I mean to say… usually, I am not too concerned about the facial landscape; I don’t disturb it; it doesn’t disturb me. But this new one is persistent. It’s been clinging on for a couple of months now, and it looks like it’s getting a bit too cosy… as if it’s preparing to settle down.

But it’s not the persistence that’s bugging me. No. I could have handled that. The more pressing concern is location, location, location. The irking fact is that this one has chosen the tip of my nose as a campsite, hence hampering my visual spread. This is unacceptable. If I don’t keep my eyes focused on the sky or ceiling, I get a vague, blurry image of this blight. Sure, it may be small, but you know it’s there.

I shouldn’t have to compromise on my visual spread. And for what? It’s not like zits provide some kind of functional benefit which justifies the encroachment.

“Dammit. We’re stuck. And it’s so… so dark in here. What do we do, Hammy?”

“Fear not. Let me just tap my nose three times…” TAP TAP TAP BZZZZ!!!

“Wha… Is that… Is that light coming out of your nose????”

“The tip of my nose to be precise, Janet. One of the various functional benefits of the zit”

“Wow. I wish I had a zit”

But no, it’s just an obscene piece of useless tissue, much like John McCain. And I really wanted to demolish it. This was new territory for me, but I knew there were products that professed to do things like this. I walked in to a store and inquired…

“I need something to get rid of this”, I said, pointing to the tip of my nose.

“Your nose, sir? We don’t really…”

“Wha?? I meant the zit. This thing ON my nose.”

“Aaah. Ok. Sir. We have just the thing.”

“What’s wrong with my nose?”

“Nothing, sir.”

“Hey, I’ve been sneezing like crazy for a while. I’m allergic to dust. That’s why it looks so red… and possibly also swoll…”

“Sir!! Please. Your nose is fine. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. In fact, it’s lovely. Let’s just… let’s just focus on the zit, ok?”

So she took me to the back of the store… where they had wall-to-wall stack of random bottles, all labeled as fighting some ailment of the other. It was the skin war weapons arsenal.

“Ok, sir. I recommend this ointment right here.”

“This will do the trick?”

“We have been getting excellent feedback.”

“What do I do with it?”

“Eh?… You just… you rub this on affected area… Err… do this for about a couple of months, and…”

“A couple of months? Mont… Do you have something that works faster?”

“Well, we have this tube over here. It says you will notice results in a week”

“Does that include the weekend?”

“Sir?”

“The week… Is it a five day week or a seven day week?”

She had a special look on her face, the kind reserved to say “Which apple tree did this guy fall off from? And why couldn’t he avoid falling on his head?”

“Ok, ok. What about this. Forget about removing the zit. How about just moving it a bit?”

“I beg your pardon, sir???!!”

“I mean… just move it out from my view. Surely that must be easier than completely removing it. Just push it to the side.”

I didn’t really get a chance to explain about the visual spread and the problem with location, location, location. She lost a sale, but it didn’t look like she was bothered by that. She had all the air of a woman trying to get an ordeal behind her.

I had better luck at the next store, mostly owing to the fact that I didn’t talk much. I got some balm that I’m supposed to spread over the affected area regularly. Now, I have a problem with ‘regular’. The word has never agreed with me. And so far, I’ve been using it VERY irregularly. I don’t think they’ve tailored their fights on the zit menace to suit people like me.

Maybe I should just forget about a cure… forget about the visual spread. Maybe I could focus energy on adding functionality to it.

“I still don’t believe it. Light coming from a zit”

“It’s simple, really. All the glowworms and fireflies naturally emit light. What’s really amazing is that it’s blue-tooth enabled.”

“You’re bullshitting me!”

“Why not? And it’s all solar powered. That reminds me. I need to go out and get some sun”

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20 Responses

  1. Kriti says:

    Bluetooth-enabled zit?!?!!?

    HAHAHAHA!

    That cracked me up BIG-TIME (and woke up my mother at 1:46 a.m. when she reckoned that my laugh was an army of aliens trying to attack her humble house-hold. No worries though. She’s fast asleep now, with a machete safely tucked in her chest-drawer.)

    Everytime I read your posts, I’m reminded of Wodehouse… Boy! You’re funny!

    Keep blogging.
    Cheers!!

  2. ettarose says:

    Hammy! I like the new look and what a funny post. Have you tried to lance it? Is it a boil with a name of it’s own? Zits suck don’t they?

  3. Tina says:

    Ahhhh!!!!! TMI! TMI!

  4. hey!! Its nice to see you blogging after sometime now.. poor zit! It must be so tough on it to be exposed to the sun so much! it might get tanned you know!

    Umm isnt there some zit expert that works within 24 hours? by Garnier I think give it a try.. I am doing this just for the zit mind you 😛

    he he he

    P.S: I went the wordpress way too 🙂

  5. roshny says:

    bluetooth enabled zits. gee tempting.

    you go to the wrong ppl for advice/cure/help.

    hate to tell you, but zits and food have a very close, embarrassing, personal, deep relationship. live in. ugly.don’t get me started on it.

    12 reasons? how can i contact ur mom? so far i came up with only one-it leaves a mark,oh and yea, its gross too. am curious abt the rest 10.

    u r mentioned in my latest post.

  6. hammy says:

    @kriti:
    I THOUGHT. I heard something around 1:46 a.m. You certainly do laugh loud, Krits. I feel for your mom, machette or no machette.

    Anyway, everyone knows everything’s better with a bit of bluetooth. 😀

    @ettarose:
    Hey, thank you so much, Rose.

    No, I haven’t tried to lance my post. In fact, I don’t know what that means. How do I lance a post? Does it involve horses and body armor? Can I lance my post if I’m not knighted? New term for me, you see…

    I really am not in speaking terms with the boil, and I haven’t enquired whether it actually has a name of its own. It might be interesting if it calls itself Lance, though.

    😉

    @Tina:
    I wouldn’t have pegged you for a woman of few words, Tina… TMI, TMI. Tropical Munchkin Island? Tarred Monkey Iris? Texas Military Institute? Terror on March Ides? I give up.

    Of course I could google it up. But this is way more fun.

    @winnie the poohi:
    That does it. The zit gets all the sympathy here??? Not fair.

    A zit expert that works in 24 hours? That was my impression too. I have this vague recollection of an obscure ad of some outlandish claim to some spurious research that may have indicated something along the lines of the one day zit cure. But I haven’t found it. And I really don’t know if that warrants another visit to the frustrated salesgirl.

    Yeah, I saw the new layout. WordPress is definitely the better choice, but I kinda miss the old layout. But then again, I have always tried to resist change. 😀

    @roshny:
    Zits and food have a close relationship? So basically, I can’t stay a foodie and fight zits at the same time, eh? Well, I can live with that. Just… just have to get this ONE zit off my nose… me trying to reduce the resemblance to Rudolph the red nosed reindeer. Gotta do that before Christmas, you know… I’m all about avoiding complications.

  7. mathew says:

    ROTFL!! too good man..
    yeah..i know this coz my bro cribs about his “bluetooth enabled” zit all the time..;-D

    oh..btw i must mention you were perfectly reasonable in the conversation..hehe..

  8. Dphat says:

    Light at the end of the tunnel..uhh..nose! nice!

    You are not alone. For inspiration check this out

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InwP9b1_wdQ

    Btw, I read this in the paper about rudolf retiring ‘cos Santa found a replacement. any idea who upstaged poor rudolf?

  9. hammy says:

    @mathew:
    Your younger brother, you mean. These biohazards is usually the exclusive property of the teenager. It is rare to find it on someone who’s merely a teenager by emotional maturity. Hence my frustration here.

    And of course I was perfectly reasonable in my conversation. I always am. It’s kind of my trademark. Reasonable Conversation Inc.
    😀

    @dphat:
    The paper reports are false. I repeat. The paper reports are FALSE. Santa is emotional about these things. True, I was shortlisted, but rudolf reminded St. Nick (rather sneakily, I might add) about the perils of hiring me

    1. Apparently, I’m too lazy… Have been known to sleep on the job. This can be particularly annoying when flying 30,000 feet in the air at breakneck velocity.

    2. Apparently, I’m too fat… This brings out the embarrassing possibility of people mistaking me for Santa.

    3. Apparently, I’m too weak… The last time I had to carry something heavy, I had to seek assistance from my 12 year old cousin… and that was just a backpack… Rudolf made a plausible case that a sleigh + the hefty Santa + gifts for over 2 million kids the world over… was asking too much

    4. Apparently, I tend to get lost… In more instances than one, I have been lost in familiar terrain, in broad daylight, while completely awake… It was contented that a person with such an eccentric history with directions should not be expected to go through the grueling task of navigating through over 200 countries with such precision, particularly where deadlines are so tight.

    I tried to make a rebuttal plotted around 7 vital points –

    1. He’s a reindeer, for God’s sake!!
    2. Dammit. He’s got antlers. He could be dangerous
    3. He’s over 400 years old. Somebody shoot him already!
    4. Hey, is that food over there?
    5. His nose glows? Shouldn’t you check for steroids?
    6. Santa… You could use a new coat. Now Rudolf’s skin seems soft and furry, if you know what I mean.
    7. Goddamn it. He’s a reindeer. When’s hunting season in the north pole?

    Regrettably, Santa didn’t listen to reason. So the paper reports are false. I repeat… FALSE.

  10. Dphat says:

    🙂 i’m convinced. I wudn’t hire you even if you were the only applicant.

    Although the paper reports are right about one thing. Rudolf charges too much. In a recession hit christmas, St. Nick’s up against the wall.
    why would he turn down an indian applicant with whom he can get twice the work done at a fraction of what rudolf would cost.
    Don’t lose hope ma man. If the zit’s still glowing, go for it i tell ya!
    MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! (i wave to you as you fly by)

  11. You could talk to a plastic surgeon about a ‘nose job’.

    (No, I am not being paid to write that.)

  12. Wendy says:

    All you need to do is wear a surgical mask like Michael Jackson. Just tell people you have a germ phobia or that maybe you have tuberculosis or something. At least they won’t see the zit!

  13. hammy says:

    @dphat:
    Alas… Santa is not worried about costs. Here is a guy who doesn’t spend much on clothes or suits or even a shaving razor, and I can see how you can get confused. But also remember… he gives away billions of dollars worth of toys without blinking an eyelid. He’s got hundreds of thousands of recruits working in their red suit uniforms collecting money and vital information from unsuspecting pedesterians. Trust me; he’s not worried about the costs.

    @adorable pancreas:
    Good advice, doc. Nose job it is. This way, I could use that old MJ joke on myself.

    “How did Hammy pick his nose?”
    “Eww… Gross”
    “Nope. He picked his nose from a catalogue. HAHAHAHAHA”
    “Hmm… Don’t give up your day job.”

    P.S. Now why on earth would I think that a med student was getting paid to advertise for nose jobs? 😀

    @wendy:
    Wendy Wendy Wendy Wendy Wendy
    You really canNOT do that in today’s times. If you walk around town wearing surgical masks in broad daylight, people will naturally assume one of two things…

    1. That you are some sort of eco terrorist, who just spread some kind of lethal poison in the air… and you’re trying to protect yourself with the mask.

    CROWD REACTION: People will pick up random arbitrary stuff lying around… old shoes, rocks, sleeping cats, sticks, pepper spray and garbage… and throw these at you with as much velocity as they can muster.

    2. That you are Michael Jackson

    CROWD REACTION: People will pick up random arbitrary stuff lying around… old shoes, rocks, sleeping cats, sticks, pepper spray and garbage… and throw these at you with as much velocity as they can muster.

  14. Mask is not a bad idea you know.. All you need is a metal detector and you will be rich

  15. This blog is a goldmine! 😛 I haven’t laughed this much in ages.

  16. hammy says:

    @winnie the poohi:
    We all wear masks… metaphorically speaking. Without doubt, scores of philosophic poets the world over would have instantly grasped the get rich quick via metal detector reference, and would have, if they had read this page, already set out in the earnest ‘Who’s got more dough’ competition against Warren Buffet.

    But I’m almost embarrassed to admit I still haven’t got a clue what you meant by that. I’m dense that way. Call me old fashioned, but I DO wanna get rich. So if you can give a bit more detailed instructions on what I’m supposed to do with the metal detector, I’ll make notes.

    😀 Don’t spare the details…

    @princess stefania:
    To split thy sides is my command, your highness.
    And welcome to the Kingdom of the Blahs and the Yadas, home to Prince Doofus of Snorsilvania.

  17. Karsub says:

    My deepest condolences bro. Usually when I get I get strategically placed zits like this, I work out a strategy of my own.

    For reading stuff close to my face, I start telling myself that I am lean and good-looking. The Pinocchio effect ensures that I have a clear field of vision.

    Love your writing.

  18. seosoeasy says:

    Good to see you after a long time and well written.I had a great time in reading and enjoyed a lot.Thanks for the article.

  19. tanmoy says:

    I have been following your blog in start-stop fashion ever since Roshan introduced me to it for the wedding photographs, but it’s only in the past two weeks that I have properly lost my blahblahandyadayada virginity. And it has been good, no blood shlood at any rate.

    I have you faved in my blog, which is fledgling at best, and I daresay I have made a smart choice. You are inspiring material, except on Saturdays when I don’t eat ham.

    Roshan, by the way, was my colleague in HSBC Bangalore before leaving for London. Do give him my love if you happen to speak to him.

    And thanks for the entertainment!

  20. hammy says:

    @karsub:
    Glad that works for you, Karsub. Whenever I try to tell myself I am lean and good looking, I invariably start rolling on the floor, laughing… despite myself.

    @seosoeasy:
    You’re more than welcome. I’ll try to be more regular. I still blame my work for all my delays, btw.

    @tanmoy:
    Always a pleasure to be read, Tan. Don’t stay out in the cold just because it’s Saturday. Sure, you don’t eat ham on Saturdays. But to my best knowledge, there’s not a religion in existance that bans the READING of ham, Saturday or no Saturday.

    I’d gladly have forwarded your enclosed love to the cousin at large, but I haven’t spoken to him in a REALLY long time. He seems to be rapidly ascending the Top Ten Chart on the Busiest People on Earth. My personal theory is that he has been assigned the task of tackling the global financial meltdown. Singlehandedly, none the less. And I dare say that’d keep him occupied for a couple of months.
    😀

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