What a zitty month
This sort of thing shouldn’t happen to me. Not at this age. When you have moved on across the path of maturity, there are some baggages that you essentially leave behind; dump a bag or two on the maturity road and hope nobody comes and pinches you for littering. Some of the leading experts à la mom ‘n dad might argue that I shouldn’t complain cos I haven’t really matured… at least not mentally. FIne. I’ll give them that. But if that’s the argument, then I should carry some emotional baggage, not physical. I don’t mind the emotional baggage of immaturity. Hell, I wouldn’t be too far off in saying I enjoy most of them… Indignation, anger, frivolous mood swings and temper tantrums. Who wouldn’t?
But I’m almost 28 now. Shouldn’t I be rid of zits? Back in high school, they used to pop up every now and then like the potholes in Cochin zitty… err… city. I didn’t care. Mom would launch on the 12 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Pick Zits lecture. None of it bothered me. As far as I was concerned, I didn’t pick it. It picked me. In any case, I was never pockmarked with zit armies, like I’ve seen on many of my fallen comrades.
So if I didn’t bother then, why bother now? I wouldn’t… really, except for one thing… Most of the going ons on my face, I can ignore. In fact, I’d be strategically positioned to ignore them, as long as I avoided mirrors, which was not too difficult. Mirrors and I were never a great couple anyway; seldom did we meet without a serious disagreement. In fact, most of the times I use a mirror, I’d leave with a face full of tiny punctures. Yeah, I still need to get the groove on the shaving thing.
I stray from the point. I mean to say… usually, I am not too concerned about the facial landscape; I don’t disturb it; it doesn’t disturb me. But this new one is persistent. It’s been clinging on for a couple of months now, and it looks like it’s getting a bit too cosy… as if it’s preparing to settle down.
But it’s not the persistence that’s bugging me. No. I could have handled that. The more pressing concern is location, location, location. The irking fact is that this one has chosen the tip of my nose as a campsite, hence hampering my visual spread. This is unacceptable. If I don’t keep my eyes focused on the sky or ceiling, I get a vague, blurry image of this blight. Sure, it may be small, but you know it’s there.
I shouldn’t have to compromise on my visual spread. And for what? It’s not like zits provide some kind of functional benefit which justifies the encroachment.
“Dammit. We’re stuck. And it’s so… so dark in here. What do we do, Hammy?”
“Fear not. Let me just tap my nose three times…” TAP TAP TAP BZZZZ!!!
“Wha… Is that… Is that light coming out of your nose????”
“The tip of my nose to be precise, Janet. One of the various functional benefits of the zit”
“Wow. I wish I had a zit”
But no, it’s just an obscene piece of useless tissue, much like John McCain. And I really wanted to demolish it. This was new territory for me, but I knew there were products that professed to do things like this. I walked in to a store and inquired…
“I need something to get rid of this”, I said, pointing to the tip of my nose.
“Your nose, sir? We don’t really…”
“Wha?? I meant the zit. This thing ON my nose.”
“Aaah. Ok. Sir. We have just the thing.”
“What’s wrong with my nose?”
“Hey, I’ve been sneezing like crazy for a while. I’m allergic to dust. That’s why it looks so red… and possibly also swoll…”
“Sir!! Please. Your nose is fine. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. In fact, it’s lovely. Let’s just… let’s just focus on the zit, ok?”
So she took me to the back of the store… where they had wall-to-wall stack of random bottles, all labeled as fighting some ailment of the other. It was the skin war weapons arsenal.
“Ok, sir. I recommend this ointment right here.”
“This will do the trick?”
“We have been getting excellent feedback.”
“What do I do with it?”
“Eh?… You just… you rub this on affected area… Err… do this for about a couple of months, and…”
“A couple of months? Mont… Do you have something that works faster?”
“Well, we have this tube over here. It says you will notice results in a week”
“Does that include the weekend?”
“The week… Is it a five day week or a seven day week?”
She had a special look on her face, the kind reserved to say “Which apple tree did this guy fall off from? And why couldn’t he avoid falling on his head?”
“Ok, ok. What about this. Forget about removing the zit. How about just moving it a bit?”
“I beg your pardon, sir???!!”
“I mean… just move it out from my view. Surely that must be easier than completely removing it. Just push it to the side.”
I didn’t really get a chance to explain about the visual spread and the problem with location, location, location. She lost a sale, but it didn’t look like she was bothered by that. She had all the air of a woman trying to get an ordeal behind her.
I had better luck at the next store, mostly owing to the fact that I didn’t talk much. I got some balm that I’m supposed to spread over the affected area regularly. Now, I have a problem with ‘regular’. The word has never agreed with me. And so far, I’ve been using it VERY irregularly. I don’t think they’ve tailored their fights on the zit menace to suit people like me.
Maybe I should just forget about a cure… forget about the visual spread. Maybe I could focus energy on adding functionality to it.
“I still don’t believe it. Light coming from a zit”
“It’s simple, really. All the glowworms and fireflies naturally emit light. What’s really amazing is that it’s blue-tooth enabled.”
“You’re bullshitting me!”
“Why not? And it’s all solar powered. That reminds me. I need to go out and get some sun”