Feeling the burn

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Over the past few years, my parents have been urging me to rake up some cash every month, gather it into a pile, and burn it. Rather a weird request, but they were quite gung-ho about it. They even offered to put up the money if I came short. It wasn’t part of some bizarre ritual or religious tradition, but the sentiment has also been echoed by many of my other relatives. More and more dear and near ones have been suggesting this option in the recent past.

“Hey! We said a PILE of money! That’s not a pile.”

Of course, they don’t really say so in so many words. What they say is “Hamish, why don’t you go join a gym?“. Some of you may be thinking “Hey, that’s not the same as asking you to burn money!“, but bear in mind that some of you don’t really know me very well. My willpower, or lack thereof, is quite infamous; it’s usually the chief culprit in those tense family mysteries like “The Case of the Disappearing Cake“, “A Study in Chocolate“, and “The Curious Case of the Piling Pizza Boxes

This willpower of mine is versatile, in the sense that it doesn’t limit its incompetence to food issues. It is equally inept in activities that require more muscle-power than what’s needed to change the TV channel. Gyms, by design, demand intense activity, and for any sort of positive result, it requires it on a consistent basis. Being a straight shooter, I am certain I’ll be prompt on my payments… almost as certain as the fact that I’ll be visiting the gym less often than Salman Rushdie visits Iran.

Of course, I can understand the source of concern. Ever since my body discovered that I’m too lazy to actually resist any strategic advances, it has been claiming new territory, adding to the sovereign territory of Hammy’s bulk. And the rate of expansion has been commendable. The brave legions of Fat and Cholesterol has been on a victorious campaign against Health and General Well-Being. There was no retreat; no surrender. Alexander the Great might have been impressed. Well, ok, maybe not Alex. But Genghis Khan, surely.

“I’ve been sitting here on this horse in this museum for ages, doing nothing now. So sure, I’m impressed”

But the territorial encroachment has been condemned in the form of insurmountable opposition from foreign lands of Family and Friends, and finally, it has entered mainstream media in the form of wry social commentary (“Hey, fatso. Yeah, I’m talking to you“). So, this idea of exile into a popular gymnasium, while evident in its futility, was not entirely unanticipated.

They don’t run into dispute over this either. Hamish need to reduce some weight – The sentiment is universal, and I can’t fight that anymore. Ok, fine. So it’s time to shed a few pounds…. a few dozen pounds, to be more precise. Throw out about 50 pounds and Hamish is ready to enter the Legion of the Elite Thin. But there are skeptics all about. “50 pounds??“, an ex-close friend commented, “Hammy, ol’ boy, the only way you’re gonna lose 50 pounds is if you get mugged in London.

Crude old joke from some local magazine, no doubt. But I’m not going to let the critics faze me. I’m going to persevere. I’m not too keen about the gymnasium idea, but I can do things on my own… I can do some exercises… FIFTY sit-ups a day! AND fifty push-ups! Well, let’s say five each to start with. No point setting impossible targets in the beginning. How about five sit-ups OR five push-ups a day… gives more variety to the day, and hence has better chance of me sticking to the grueling schedule.

Then again… maybe not.

Hmm… five sit-ups OR push-ups per day… I’m not a physical trainer, but I’m getting that instinctive feeling that this may not be adequate. But I’m not really worried. I’ve got another trick up my sleeve. A rigorous diet! That’s right, a no-fat, no-oil, no-meat, no-potato, no-rice, no-taste fruit-heavy veg-heavy diet. No fried stuff. No chips. And no sweets either. No chocola… Eh?? Ok, no chocolate milk shake, at least. And this is going to be STRICT. No exceptions. None! Well, unless I’m catching up with friends. It’d be impolite to just stay with my mouth closed while they load up. So I guess I can make that exception when I’m meeting friends, or attending a party… or I’m visiting family… or someone’s celebrating… or…

God… I’m not gonna make it, am I?

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15 Responses

  1. sherrel says:

    Ha Haa.. I can’t imagine Hammy not eating fried stuff, chocolates etc….

  2. Priyanka says:

    Seriously you were joking about the diet right ? b’coz considering ur diet all you’re left with is BOILED VEGGIES xP

  3. hm.. now, i know u will eitehr laugh or kill me for saying this – DONT go to any gym, but join Kickboxing.

  4. Binny V A says:

    Go for it Hammy. This is sure fire way to get you to post more frequently. Try doing a series about it. Something like “Battle of the Bulge” or so.

  5. X-man says:

    Posted on his website narodovskom link to this post. I think many will be interested!.

  6. Clemento says:

    Hmm… I read blogs on a similar topic, but i never visited your blog. I added it to favorites and i’ll be your constant reader.

  7. hammy says:

    @sherrel:
    Not exactly boosting morale here, Sherry. But I have a dream. I dream of a world where people are fully capable of imagining a Hammy not eating fried stuffs, chocolates, etc… It may not be a universal dream, but it’s.. it’s beautiful.

    @priyanka:
    Plinks, a diet is not law. It’s just a guideline. Of course, I’m having a hard time getting people to agree, but I stick by that.

    @anoop aka -xh-:
    Ha ha ha… I mean DEATH to Arun. Umm… actually, I didn’t quite get it. Why would a simple plea to join kickboxing cause me to split my sides laughing OR split someone else’s side? :-/

    @binny v a:
    Binny, there has been a surge of complaints that the “Battle of the bulge” is by far the longest running meme on this site, being conferred the unflattering terms of mega-serial and soap-opera. It has led to many long time readers going “Ok, ok. We get it. You’re fat. Get over it already.”

    Harsh, I know, but real, nevertheless. I need to diversify. Expand the view… But I suppose I shall be touching on it now and then. It is too big an entity to simply ignore.

    @x-man:
    Thank you. I hope the site meets their expectations.

    @clemento:
    Great, Clemento. One of the long-standing mottos of The Blah-blahs and the Yada-yadas has been “The more, the merrier”. Welcome aboard.

  8. Spider says:

    Ok! All would be well written:).

  9. hahaaaa wishing you all the very best in your..err… new tenure! 😉

    I hope the number wont end at 5!

  10. Malcom says:

    I must admit, the one who wrote ?????? nakropal..

  11. hammy says:

    @spider
    And there would be great applause. And the peasants shall rejoice.

    @scorpiogenius
    Of course not. 5 is just the beginning. Well, ok, so ‘1’ was the beginning. Or was it ‘0’? Do you use whole numbers or natural numbers in this scenario? Damn it, where can I look these things up? I tell ya, Wiki doesn’t help in these social etiquette things…

    @malcom
    I’m glad you admitted. I was about to use strong force to make you admit. At least we got through that without violence. Oh, by the way, I’m a confused fellow and words like ‘nakropal’, strangely enough, never seems to help. 😀

  12. me says:

    You have a dream of a world where you don’t eat chocolate, and that is… beautiful ? Am speechless. and I bet you wish you were that way before you stole this particular speech…

    Gym? Definitely! Kickboxing- why not? I’ll send you some kangaroo videos for inspiration. Avoiding other food- also a good idea. But CHOCOLATE ?

    Since this battle of you vs. the bulge sounds rather protracted, could we get a scoreboard widget so we can keep track of who’s winning ? I’m curious 🙂

  13. hammy says:

    @me:
    Ok, mini me. You got me. Chocolates and I can never be parted. Chocolate is the limit. No turning your back on it. But then again, we’re talking about two different species altogether. I’m talking regular chocolate, and I’m quite certain you’re talking of the… ugh… dark variety. But I’ll still take your point.

    The widget idea is superb, and if I were adept at designing widgets, and were able to automate updation in real time, I’d have put it up. But as it stands, it will have to stand at one vague theoretical construct, however brilliant. 😀

  14. Hatikvah says:

    Join the club mate….

  1. October 1, 2015

    […] I get charged up about this, and dedicate myself to a strict, unrelenting uncompromising regimen to get in shape. This phase lasts for a day or […]

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