Excuse? Me? Please!
I’ve come to realize a long time ago… Mankind is not looking for solutions. Man is not seeking to better himself. His quest is not for supremacy or superiority; not to enlighten himself; nor to blend in with society; or to fight for truth and justice. No. Man’s ultimate quest is for an excuse. We don’t need solutions. As long as we have the right kind of excuse, we are one happy specie. All the advancement in the world is brought about by people who didn’t think hard enough for an excuse. If Edison could have thought of an excuse at the right time, the world would have been in darkness a whole lot longer; and darkness used to be a pretty good excuse against a LOT of things back in the days.
I know what you’re thinking… “Hey, Hamish. I’m sorry. It’s just you. Nobody else thinks that way.” Oh, is that so, you arrogant self-righteous smug little cretin who popped up out of my imagination five seconds ago? I politely beg to differ. Ok, fine, so it’s a bit too late for the ‘politely’ part. However, I maintain that it’s NOT something that I just came up with on my own. Just ask any member of The International Size Acceptance Association. They’re a grassroots level organization that sprung up to change societal attitudes towards fatness and obesity. If you are unlucky and are unable to find a member, presumably because he’s stuck in a door somewhere, you can always try for a member from National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, or a member from Council on Size and Weight Discrimination or the TFRC: The Fat Rights Coalition
Four organizations. Four, and that’s just what popped up from a quick look around. Four, so that you don’t even have to have to walk too far looking for one.
Don’t get me wrong. I think the core intent is good. For some people, the genetic predisposition to obesity is so high that they can’t help it. Exercise may not be sufficient for these people, but that is just a small part of society. For most people, like myself, our innate fatness is a result of years of brooding lethargy, sluggish lifestyle, and a rich intake of fried bacon wrapped in cheese with extra mayo and a side order of milkshake. And organizations like these suggest we don’t need to worry about it. For most people, this is a winnable battle… proper diet and exercise, perhaps more effort than the next guy… it should be able to help. But then again, like I said… we’re OK with an excuse.
And it’s not just us fatties out there looking for an excuse. The entire world is fighting to help me come up with excuses. A team from Imperial College London and University College London has said physical inactivity should be classified as a “disease in its own right”. That’s right. There are bona fide scientists trying to proclaim ‘physical inactivity’, a.k.a. laziness as an illness.
Ever got up in the morning envying the mattress, seeing how it can always just lie there on the bed without a care in the world, never having to get up, never having to do anything? No? Ok, it’s just me then… Drat. Well, some days where you just wanted to sleep in, I bet you’ve called in sick… maybe faked a cough to enhance the dramatic effect. Well, pretty soon, you won’t need to call in sick just to cover up for the fact that you’re just lazy. No. You can simply call in lazy.
“I’m sorry, sir… But I won’t be able to come to work today. I’m suffering from Motivational Deficiency Disorder”
“Oh? You don’t sound particularly sick to me… As a matter of fact, I could swear you’re smiling as you’re talking right now…”
“Yes, sir. That’s one of the symptoms.”
And it’d work, too… If they actually classify physical inactivity as an illness, then it’s excuse galore for everybody. People will be coming down with laziness so fast they’re going to declare a pandemic. Calling someone lazy would be frowned upon by society – Discrimination against lazy employees would be fought intensely in courts, There would be a lazy people support group, where, of course, nobody would show up; there would be laziness welfare programs and charity events and concerts – rock stars from around the world gathering together, kickstarting the event with a motivational speech – “Think of your fellow man… who is probably sitting at home in his couch, eating potato chips and watching TV in his pajamas right now… He won’t go to work or earn his keep. So it’s up to YOU and ME to send him some money.”
There may still be a few rogue mavericks who continue to look down at the lazy people… people who hold them accountable for their inactions. How long would it be before organizations for lazy people pop up? Well, ok, it would take some time, cos they’re… well, they’re lazy. But, they will eventually come… Lazy People Inc, or The Laze Acc. Mvmt, and maybe my own organization – The Legion of Laze (LOL) – they’d be out on the streets with protest signs, folding chairs and big bags of potato chips, voicing against laze intolerance through prerecorded messages played over and over and over.
And more interestingly, we’ll have a showoff between the Fat Acceptance Movements and the Legion of Laze. The FAM usually lashes out against the general perception that fat people are considered lazy. Of course, that sentiment is clearly anti-laze. It promotes the idea that laziness is a negative thought. So in MY mind, the LOL campaigners should actively lash out against the FAM people, which is ironic, as there will be a considerable number of members belonging to both.
It’s gonna be such a roller-coaster ride, that I’m already worried whether we have enough popcorn to see us through the show. But why stop here? I say we should get behind the syndrome racket and blame all our other inadequacies onto illnesses. Of course, there will be some people who are genuinely sick, and who need support, but let us take those few and build around it. Pretty soon, we’ll have excuses for everything…
(real and extended)
|Potential Organization||Possible Protest Sign|
|Uncontrollable flatulence||The Fart Acceptance Movement (FAM)||“It’s only gas, you ass”|
|Rudeness syndrome||The Yo Mama Club||“Neener Neener”|
|Stockholm’s syndrome||The Right to Abuse Movement (RAM)||“$&#@!”|
|Chronic phone lewdness||The Lewd Allowed group||“No, really. What ARE you wearing?”|
|Attention Deficit Disorder||Attention Deficit Disorder Made Easy, or ADD ME||“We won’t take it any… ooo.. a butterfly!”|
|Telemarketing||The Phone E Enquirers||“Give in now and we’ll throw in a free hat”|
|Chronic Corruption||Bangalore City Police||“Hey, cops have to eat too.”
|Speech disfluency||The River of Babble-on movement||“George W for President”|
There really is no end to this gravy train. Civilization doesn’t really stand a fighting chance. The only way it can survive is if people stop making up crazy excuses to avoid doing what they ought to. What’s that? Why not start with me? Well, I would like to… as a matter of fact, I would love to, but you know… my right foot’s asleep, I have a headache, I may be called for an urgent meeting, the check is already in the mail, AND there’s a cow blocking the way in front of my gate.
Man, I’m good.