WD Series – Making a hash out of me

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Act 3 Scene 4

Seated on her computer chair, Rhine Francis. Enter stage left – Mallaunty, or Nirmala Sunil, Rhine’s maternal aunt. Displayed is a picture of Hamish Joy on the computer

Nirmala:“Ah, so this is your fiance?”

Rhine:“Yes, I’m positive. I’d recognize him anywhere”

Nirmala:“Well, what’s his name?”

Rhine:“Hamish Joy”

Nirmala:“What was that again??”


Nirmala:“Ooooh… Now I understand.”

Rhine:“Hmm… understand what?”

Nirmala:“Don’t you see it?”

Rhine:“See what?”

Nirmala:“The name… What does it sound like?”


Nirmala:“Come on… doesn’t it remind you of anything?”

Rhine:”Like what… Skirmish? Famish? What? You think he looks famished?… Vanish? Tarnish? Garnish? Lavish?”

Nirmala:“No, no. That guy from the movies… the one you like… what’s his name…”

The ever astute aunt was paving the verbal road towards the abominable Emraan Hashmi. For those of you who have been fortunate enough to have never heard of Mr. Hashmi before, he is an unrepentant excuse for a Bollywood actor, having secured a list of inexplicable hits to his name. His whiny persona and contrived acting skills had placed him as a sore irritant blotting the landscape. The fact that his name took an anagrammatic spin on my own has only served to enhance the irritation.  “Locate and punch Hashmi right smack in the nose simply for being annoying” is number 27 on my bucket list.


Nobody’s perfect… and I was very much prepared to see chinks in my fiancée, Rhine’s persona. Unfortunately, the imperfection in Rhine seems to have manifested in the horrible form of an Emraan Hashmi fanhood. Ever since she was subject to his movies Murder, Gangster and Raaz, she has been living under the intense delusion that he is a capable actor. She seems to have made it a point to watch his movies at every chance she got – and mind you, she does all of this voluntarily, without so much as a gun to her head. From the looks of it, the damage seems to be permanent, and noted experts say she’s going to remain a Hashmi fan for life.

It’s a tough dilemma that I face… Marital counselors often stress that for a good and lasting relationship, it is extremely important to refrain from punching your wife’s favourite star in the nose. In almost all cases, I agree with them, but this particular nose rests on the face of Emraan Hashmi. I’m sure none of these so-called experts have taken this into consideration.

But a healthy relationship demands sacrifice. While I am currently clueless as to how I will achieve this, I have determined that I will be more tolerant of all the Hashmis that life throws at me. I will even watch some of his movies with Rhine. My current plan is to stab myself in the thigh with a sharp pen in order to take my mind off the screen. I will grin and bear it as he prances around on screen in his stereotyped role as an ‘amorous, lovelorn human being’, trying – and miserably failing – to portray a believable human being. And when she asks me how I enjoyed the movie, I will force a smile as I spurt the words “Oh, it was great, honey“, thinking “…at least, it wasn’t as bad as the pain my thigh“. But for this to happen, I will need to pray that Mr. Hashmi improves as an actor. I’m not expecting miracles. I just want him to improve a little bit so that he’s at least better than the piercing pain of a stab-wound in my thigh. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and my pens sharp.

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6 Responses

  1. Ginger says:

    The joys of getting married.

    Congratulations on finding a partner whose only failing is Hashmi. It coulda have been Amitabh’s son who i dont think can act to save his life.

  2. Hami, congrats on your engagement! I really enjoyed reading this post, and I almost fell down from the chair laughing! 🙂

  3. hammy says:

    You’re talking about Abhishek Bachan… Well, at least he had the good grace to not have his name as an anagram of my own. Who knows… maybe there’s a Ahbikseh Chaban somewhere who’s ready to punch his nose flat. I’ll stick to the Hashmi nose for now.

    @vandana viswanathan:
    Thank you. It’s so great… that… err… people are just laughting around my marrriage. It’s happening way more than I should be proud of, I think… “Hamish? Getting married? Ha ha ha” gets tiring real soon. You know… maybe I should just embrace this. Maybe I can go all the way… I’m thinking.. stand up routine at the altar, perhaps… ceremony performed by a clown in full getup… I’m thinking cheetos for wedding rings… maybe a tuxedo made out of macaroni and cheese, which gets ‘accidentally’ eaten by an escaped chimpanzee… That ought to do it.

    seriously, though… Thank you, Vands… Glad you enjoyed the article.

  4. dj says:

    Glad that you are looking on the positive side of your upcoming wedding and making the not so secret wish of punching some Bollywood actor’s nose. Look at this way, at least you or Rhine are not running around like headless chickens to get all the things ready for the big day from the flowers to the wedding reception arrangements, unlike a certain poor me had to do(because I insisted). You just have to remember to present yourself at your wedding day on your wedding venue. I am pretty sure you don’t have to even remember that as there will be someone to poke you with a spork just that day. 😉
    Congrats and best wishes for the big day and the many days there after and the few days before that.

  5. manjeera says:

    ok.. my question is has rhine read this? 😛

  6. hammy says:

    Thank you very much, DJ.

    I didn’t realize you were running around like a headless chicken. I really hope your wedding video has caught all of that. I am sure you got your wedding arranged down pat, and pretty certain that by the time the ceremony started, you would have ceased to resemble headless fowls of any kind.

    And yes, there will be people who would be guiding me thoughout the process… from the “Hamish, is that what you’re wearing??” to the “No, no, no… that seat’s for the priest. You sit in FRONT of the altar.” to “That’s not the ring… That’s a cheerio. Fish in your other pocket”… I’m sure that there will be lots of people with sporks and pitchforks steering me though the myriad of tradition.

    Rhine has access to my site, yes… She would know when I update this, yes… Has she actually read the article completely? I would have to gauge that from the fierceness of how she would poke me with a spork later on. Here’s wishing me luck.

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