Slightly over seige, doncha think?

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It’s been a rough few months here – I’m suffering through an overload at work, stress, traffic woes, a nosebleed, nightmares of getting waxed off again, and Stallone’s ‘Bullet to the Head’, none of which were pleasant. But finally, a spot of sunshine emerged a few weeks ago that should set everybody’s mind at ease. Steven Seagal has vowed to fight terrorism.

this guy

When America took up the war on terror initiative, it was mildly amusing to see an actual global power taking up arms against an abstract concept. It was basically akin to going to war with your inner demon using nothing but a rubber duck and a bazooka.

that's stupid

I wonder if there were any real sane people around when they proposed the initiative

“Err… war on what?”

“Terror”

“You mean terrorists… or extremists…”

“No. I mean terror. We will wage a war on terror”

“Umm… I’m pretty sure you can’t do that”

“Oh, so we have a supporter of terror here. See here, Jimmy. This guy loves terror. Yeah, Dick. This guy right here. Terror lover.”

Ok. I guess having a few sane people around wouldn’t have helped.

But there again, while the prospect was impossible as a whole, it wasn’t entirely directionless. Whether it was justified or not, they did go to war directly, covertly, and dronically. I believe that America, as a nation, is on its way to realizing that wars against conceptual foes are going to be never-ending. But as light dawns on the country, in comes Steven Seagal with his vow to fight terrorism.

you have been warned

For those of you who don’t know him, Steven Seagal is one of the great B list actors out of 80’s and 90’s Hollywood; an action hero with pithy one liners who has such memorable movies under his belt as Under Seige, Under Seige 2, and …  and some other movies, I’m sure. He plays a tall, dark, martial art expert who is quiet and forgiving through endless taunts from the villain until he is pushed ever so slightly over the edge, after which he Kung Fu punches the villain through the head before the credit rolls.

in charge

And now, he has made his personal vow to spend his life fighting terrorism. Apparently, Steven realizes that what terrorism needs is a swift ninja kick to the face.

I know that at least some of you are thinking “Oh, come on, Hammy. So here’s a celebrity protesting against terrorists, and you’re making fun of this. Not fair.” Well, it’s one thing for a celebrity to voice protests; another to vow one’s life to fighting terrorism. And let’s not forget we’re talking about Steven friggin’ Seagal here. Let me give a brief intro to the guy. From time to time, he explodes onto the screen with a rampant diarrhea of action fodder – Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Below the Belt, Out for Justice,  Out of Reach, Out for a Kill, Out to Lunch, Into the Sun, Over the Hill, at least some of which are titles I haven’t made up… For sure, he has had lots of mainstream action hits (‘lots of’ in this context meaning ‘about three’), but the large majority of his fare goes direct to TV, under the radar (Note: Under the Radar may be the title of another Steven Seagal movie; I don’t know if anyone keeps track). Perhaps it’s because of the free time he’s saved up not being an actor, but he’s decided to take up being a badass as a career choice.

He’s an Aikido-trained martial artist, a picture that feels odd considering that most of his fights on screen looked like ‘unsynchronized arm flapping by a giant guy’. In most movies, the fighting techniques he displayed were absolutely unique – he defeats his opponents using the ancient, oriental art of being a 6’4”giant. But that doesn’t matter; he’s the ultimate badass.

too short

He’s a man of many talents – He is a businessman, is recognized by Tibetan monks as a spiritual reincarnation (tulku) of a buddhist master, is a PETA award winning animal rights activist who wrote to the Thailand leadership for better treatment of baby elephants, and to the Indian Prime minister for better treatment of cows (keep in mind that cows are already considered holy in India). I like to think his letters were short and open ended. “Treat your cows better. Or else…” In real life, he also speaks fluent Japanese. At least, he speaks Japanese which no Japanese has pointed out as less than fluent.

I often think of him as a walking metaphor for confusion. He obviously thought that squinty eyes = awesome acting, and promptly started on a career in the movies. Later on in life, he further got confused about what a musician does, picked up a guitar and started calling himself a musician. He is also as graceful a dancer as he is a martial artist. Shown below is a clip of him displaying his dancing technique… or his martial art technique – pretty sure it’s one or the other.

Steven-Seagal-dancing (1)

And he continues to labor under these misunderstandings because nobody bothered to correct him, and nobody bothered to correct him because, as I have mentioned on occasion before, he is 6’4” and looks like this –

looks like this

I also believe nobody has sat him down to talk about the differences between reel and real life either, so he’s gone on to train real life law enforcers and volunteer security forces on how to tackle simulated shooting sprees.

Seagal also serves as a reserve deputy chief in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, where he routinely fights crime by chasing criminals and hoping they run in slow motion. He also trains real life MMA fighters, having taken credit for a special kicking style which took the MMA world by storm at one point. When retired MMA fighter Randy Couture said jokingly that he would come out of retirement only to fight Segal, Segal continued his commitment to misunderstandings; he confused Randy’s joke for a serious challenge and publicly declared acceptance, saying he’d take on Randy anytime, any place, but ominously added that there will not have witnesses to the fight, and that he would not play by any rules.

fondling

And now, the man has taken on terrorism. There are no polls taken to measure the effects of his statement, so I’m forced to assume that terrorism has dipped by at least half within seconds of Steven getting into the frey. And I expect it to dip further – terrorism will cower in fear behind its ugly sisters – hate and prejudice. I’ve seen enough Seagal movies to know what happens next. Seagal will punch hate in the face, swish a knife through prejudice’s torso, and kick away the table revealing the cowardly villain, terror. At this point, terror will start saying stuff like ‘It’s already too late’, ‘You can’t do anything to stop me’, or ‘I’ve waited a long time for this. You’re going down, Steven!’. At this cue, Steven Seagal will furrow his brow, make a snappy comeback (which may not necessarily make sense in this or any context), and tear off terror’s arms. He would then break terror’s back on his knee and then walk away in slow motion.

do you promise

And that would be the end of terror… until the sequel, of course.

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