The Blah Blahs and the Yada Yadas

23 Dec, 2013

Gap Analysis

Posted by: hammy In: Life in the UAE

Ok. Excuses. Excuses. Let me see… I can do this. I just need to concentrate, that’s all. I’m a creative guy. I can come up with an excuse for not updating my blog for the past…decade, was it? This is the second longest stretch of inactivity in my blog, and the first stretch (from when I was born till the very first post on my blog) doesn’t count because it predates the blog itself… and the very concept of a blog for that matter. So this is the longest real stretch of inactivity for my blog ever. And I have to come up with a good excuse to pacify the millions of… the thousands of… I mean the dozens of… well, ok.. the couple of fans who have felt thoroughly aban… well, actually, I don’t think they have even noticed.

So… that’s good..or is it? I don’t know, but I have to come up with some sort of an excuse… to fool myself if not anyone else. Maybe I’m just too distracted by my work schedule to jot out happy thoughts for my blog, but that’s exactly the kind of colorless, dry excuse that won’t pacify my rather demanding brain. So what else then? Let me ring up the options.

 

1. It Wasn’t Me

The old Eddie Murphy classic excuse, which got a bit more popular in later years with Shaggy’s musical rendition; beat all odds and logic and just stand steadfast to the claim that hey, it wasn’t you. So that’s it. I can just say that it just wasn’t me who… didn’t post an article for ages? Ok. That sounds a bit off. This case is an issue of omission and this excuse won’t work out. Fine. Plenty of other excuses in the sea.

Excuses excusing around

 

2. I Was Too Busy Exercising

Not a lot of merit for this option, I agree. But at the same time, it kind of brings with it a certain balance. Usually exercise is on the receiving end of my excuses; ‘too tired to exercise’, ‘too drunk to exercise’, ‘too sleepy to exercise’, ‘too much work to exercise’, ‘too sick to exercise’, and even an occassional ‘too fat to exercise’ are all phrases that have been created far too frequently in my life. If there were a ‘Most used phrases’ button for my mouth, the top phrases spots would be occupied to my dedication to avoiding cardio. Now, with ‘I’m too exercised to do something else’, it works towards balancing that bit.

But balance isn’t everything. For people who have seen me or pictures of me, as many of my blog readers have, then the excuse falls short on the credibility aspect.

practically see

 

 

3. Holy Excuses, Batman

Some of my religious friends tell me that when I get stuck, I should just refer to the good book. But seriously, I don’t have any character in the book I can relate to, and Harry would probably just wave a wand and roll back time or employ other deux ex machina to solve the issue, and I am but a wandless muggle.

Then those religious friends clarified that they were thinking more about the Bible than Harry Potter. Let me think… WWJD? What Would Jesus Do? Initially, I was skeptical – I was willing to bet that Jesus never had to figure out how to explain a long lag in his humor blog. I reasoned that back in those days, internet connectivity was kind of a big issue. He may be the son of God, but even he probably had to use dialup back then.

But what do you know, my religious friends were right – you pore through the Bible, and you hit upon some kind of an answer. Jesus DID have a long gap. The bible talks about young Jesus until he reaches 12. After this, the book resumes with Jesus a fully grown and bearded man of 30. That is a considerable gap in time.

zoltar

So that’s a parallel. So WDDJ? What Did Jesus Do? Let me check…

Nothing. Nothing? Not even a highlight montage. No, he just comes back into the picture without any reference at all to the lost years. Well… that’s one way to go, I guess. So maybe I could just calmly re-enter the blogosphere while nonchalantly whistling as if to say “What? I was here all along.” I can do that. The key point to remember… actually, the ONLY point to remember is that I do not refer to my absence at ALL. Which means I have to delete all the stuff I’ve typed so far… Ok. So let’s move on to the next option.

 

4. My site was hijacked.

Yes. That’s what happened. Malicious hackers are not Hollywood inventions. Sure, these guys may not be the fancy I-plug-in-this-pen-drive-and-take-over-the-Govt variety or the I-upload-my-program-to-the-alien-ship-to-deactivate-it type of hackers, but the garden variety crackpot with a brute force strategy, who took over my site and prevented me from accessing it for the past so many months.

Did they deface the website? No, cos that would have been some sort of an update on the site, and we know that never happened. Did they demand a ransom? Well, given that I’m a bajillionaire enterpreneur only in my dreams, the only way he could have extracted any sort of money would have been an Inception style dream heist.

talking about me, isn't he

So the only motivation for these hackers were to just stop me from writing? That’s… that’s an insultingly impressive level of dedication and resources thrown against my writing. I’m not sure if it’s helping my cause. There has to be something better out there.

 

5. No Internet access

Yes. I had no internet access… for months at a stretch… in the year 2013… in UAE… Not an easy sell, is it? Ok. I can work on this… I had no access because I was stuck in a Panic Room… when thieves broke in to my apartment… to steal my… Comic book collection?… and they barricaded me in… ok, fine. I’m letting this one go too. What else have we got?

 

6. My dog ate my blog

Classic. Didn’t work a lot when I was in school, but.. hey, it’s better than the last excuse up there, so I’ll give it a shot.
I had really funny rib-tickling posts all written down and ready to post… and my dumb dog just chewed it up.

vazn't me

They were some of my best work too… Funny as hell – you would have eaten it up… if only the dog hadn’t eaten it up first.

Of course I have a dog. He’s a… bulldog … named… Spike. He’s rather grayish, has razor sharp teeth, wears a red collar with yellow spikes around it, and is kinda dumb, often getting duped by mice to act as their shield against cats. There was this one time when he told the mouse that he’ll be there to protect him if he would just whistle for him. It was… ok, we don’t need to get into details. The most endearing trait of Spike is that he is not fictional. In fact, in our household we keep talking about how totally real and totally-not-made-up our Spikey is. And he loves chewing up blog articles.

bacon flavored

Well, yes, I could have typed these up on the computer directly rather than writing on chewable papers in the first place, but… well…. but if I did that, then what’s the dog supposed to chew? How would he sabotage my blog then, huh? I can’t say he just peed on the laptop and burnt it out, can I? Ooh! Dammit! Ok, next time, I’m using that.

 

7. The Doc Brown excuse

This has never failed me yet. Every time I’ve used this excuse, it has always ended the discussion. I can’t specify if it’s because it works as an excuse or if the people listening to it just  stop expecting sane responses, but I’m gonna just keep my fingers crossed for the former.

It’s time travel. I haven’t missed out on months of articles. No, it’s a classically hilarious misunderstanding brought about by time travel. You see, after my last post, I just used a time machine to skip a few months ahead to today. So actually, there has been NO GAP at all. None. No, after my last post, I IMMEDIATELY wrote another post which is about exc.. which is about excuses for… uh… for keeping such a long gap between posts.

That’s a bit of a contradiction right there, eh? Well, it’s not a contradiction. It’s a paradox. Happens all the time with time travel. Frankly, if that’s your biggest concern with that excuse, I’m calling it a win.

6 Responses to "Gap Analysis"

1 | Olive

December 23rd, 2013 at 4:57 pm

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he he…….we did not miss u hamish ;)

we got a break from reading your blog……..thanks to Rhine for keeping you bussssssssssy……….ha! ha!

enjoyed reading and viewing the images of all your excuses ………welcome back to blogging.

2 | Binny V A

December 24th, 2013 at 4:17 pm

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Might I suggest a Coma as an excuse? Also, welcome back to the land of the living :-)

3 | hammy

December 31st, 2013 at 12:28 am

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@olive:
Hey, that’s right. Maybe I could have just blamed Rhine for the gap. I remember considering it, but dammit, I can’t remember why I discarded it completely… Simple, elegant, effective, suicidal, and… wait.. what was that? Ah, yes, the suicidal bit… I remember now..

@binny:
Thank you, Binny… Boy, the coma has been rather tiresome. Good to be back in the land of the living too. :)

4 | Sherrel

January 2nd, 2014 at 11:06 am

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Hey Hammy, had a good laugh reading your blog!!!! Now get back to it :P. Hope to read more blogs from you this year.

Happy New Year.

5 | Dhanya

January 3rd, 2014 at 12:27 pm

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Hey Hamish… Welcome back… Well… Alien abduction for an excuse may have been an easy one to defend… no?

6 | hammy

January 6th, 2014 at 10:19 am

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@sherrel:
Thanks, Sherry. I hope to be writing more this year too. Happy New Year. :)

@dhanya:
Of course, alien abduction is the de-facto defense for ANYTHING these days, especially since the popularity of the Ancient Aliens Meme.
It’s so obvious. It’s so simple. It’s so defensible. Aargh… Why didn’t I think of that? What kind of a reason would I have for not blurting out this reason?
Ooh. I know why…
Aliens

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  • hammy: @sherrel: The weekend went as expected. I stood firm in my resolve until around 1 PM. We were invited to lunch at a friend's place. I
  • Sherrel: Hey Hammy, so how did the weekend go??? :-)
  • hammy: @amlin: Thank you. But Scumbag Weekend's already rearing its head in sneaky ways. I already have two invites to lunch and dinner this

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