Bsting lies, no papa
It has been several years since I received an award or a nomination. The last time was in 2009, and the one before was in 2008. Since 2010, nothing. Nada. It’s almost as if my low frequency of posts and inactivity has taken a toll.
But that’s changing now. I am proud to announce that I just got tagged for a Liebster Award. As soon as I received it, I realized it was for my spectacular achievement of critically busting lies around the web. Then I remembered that I did nothing of the sort.
The Liebster award focuses on discovering new blogs. You may think that it’s a stretch to label a site that’s been active since 2004 as ‘new’, but to you, I say – Stretch away.
Some of you might be wondering who’d be crazy enough to nominate me. Well, digital doodler and competitive Pringles eater, Rhea from 1Nothing Please has stepped up to the plate, and has tendered my nomination along with the following rules for the Liebster award –
1. Write a blog post about your nomination, displaying an image of the award.
2. Thank the person who nominated you and, optionally, include a link to their blog.
3. Answer the 11 questions that the person who nominated you asked you in his/her blog post.
4. Nominate 5 to 11 other new bloggers who you think deserve this award and come up with 11 questions of your own for them to answer.
5. List these rules in your blog post.
Thank you, Rhea. Now let me take a gander at the questions you’ve propped up.
- If you could be a vegetable, which one would you be?
- I’d be a Carrot. Long and slender, happy and carefree, not like the stupid, fat, emotional tear-jerker, Onion. Enough is enough, Ony… Get over it. I’m with Capsi now. And there’s nothing you can do about it.
- What would the name of your debut album be?
- It would be called ‘FINALLY!!’… All caps, with dual exclamation marks. The album art would be a picture of me with my arm, finger and tongue extended, a pre-emptive counter attack at the stupid, stupid critics out there. Who are they to judge me? They have no idea how much I’ve toiled on the songs, or the insane level of detail I’ve put into my totally imaginary debut album. They’re just tools. Tools, I tell ya.
- If a sloth drives by in a car wearing a sombrero, what would the sloth say to you and how would you reply?
- The sloth would say ‘moo’. Wait… that’s a cow.
- No. The sloth would say ‘bow wow’. Oh, you think that’s a dog? Well, my dear, naive friend… If the sloth can wear a sombrero and drive a car, you can bet that it can mimic a dog too. So what would I reply? I’d say “Forget the pleasantries, Slothy. What the *bleep* are you doing with my sombrero?”
- What would you find in your refrigerator right now?
- It’s a paradoxical question here. Right now, there’s a piece of cake, some sweets, a bottle of juice, some eggs, carrots and chocolates in there. But… if I were to look in my refrigerator, I wouldn’t find all of them. The piece of cake and the chocolates would magically disappear almost instantaneously. It’s a weird phenomena.
- Describe the latest photo in your phone’s gallery.
- It’s a picture of where I parked my car last. It’s a useful trick for people with just the right amount of bad memory.
- If you have a great memory, then you don’t need this. You’ll remember your parking spot without any difficulty. Frankly, just stop showing off. Just stop it.
- If you have a poor, but still functional memory, then this is an awesome way to keep track of where you parked your car at the mall.
- If, on the other hand, you have an exceptionally poor, awful memory, then it can just add to the confusion, especially if you forget to delete the older, defunct reminders.
- What is a weird habit that you have?
- I strenuously object to the word ‘a’ in the question. You’re asking me to play favourites. Pick and choose my weird habits? Well, my habits may be weird, but they’re MINE, dammit, and I don’t want to antagonize one over the others. They would try to hide their disappointment like brave little soldiers and stifle their tears, but eventually, this could drive them to drink and corrupt their sensitive little souls. I won’t do it, I won’t do it, I won’t do it.
- Ok. Maybe this habit of humanizing abstract concepts is a bit weird.
- What is your favourite means of procrastination?
- My favourite way to procrastinate? Ha, that’s easy. I can jot that one pretty quick. Just… give me a minute…
- If someone wrote a biography about you, what would the title of it be?
- Derailed by seriousness
- In deep thought… do not disturb.
- Nonsense and Insensibilities.
- If I gave you a box of Lego now, what would you try to construct?
- A 3D mockup of the Kiddicraft logo. Because I just love irony.
- For one day, which person (living or dead) would you like to trade lives with?
- One of the architects of America’s doom; A Koch brother. Either one would do.
- I’ll take that one day to get all my lawyers together, get an ironclad legal document that completely transfers all his sweet, sweet billions into my name.
- After that, I’ll get get permanent tattoos of nasty swear words all over my (his) body, reserving the forehead for a capitalized “SUCKER!”
- My one regret would be that the other Koch brother would get away scot free. Maybe I can tackle him for my next award.
- Is there a grammar rule or word spelling that still vexes you till today?
- That’s a large list on its own. Far too many to mention here. However, my single biggest issue is with the rampant misuse of the word ‘literally’. It’s probably the most abused word right now. It’s been abused so much that Webster actually included its incorrect usage as an alternative meaning, loaning legitimacy to this mish-mashed abomination. It drives me so mad I could literally kill someone.
That’s my list of answers. Now comes the difficult part of the task – choosing bloggers to nominate for the award. This is hard for two reasons. Firstly, there’s an endless army of blogging champs out there, and choosing from them is just too laborious. Secondly, for the past few years, I’ve been more of a passive visitor – with very limited interactions with the online community. I’ve been more of the read-and-dash type. So for most of the nominees, this post will be the first time they’ve even heard about me, making the chances of their accepting this a matter of… well, chance.
So if you don’t want to write a post accepting the award, that’s fine. But I nominate you guys anyway –
- Ryan Sims; Danger is his middle name, and writing is his game. He’s working on a pilot right now, which can make him exceedingly busy soon, so catch his posts while you can. Be sure to check out his ‘one-liners’ section.
- Dennis Levin is a 64 years old lawyer, and he writes this blog cos the ‘damned thing won’t write itself’. He’s not your typical grey-haired attorney at law, though. He’s a funny guy, and he stays that way because he hardly ever writes about lawyer type stuff.
- Kristine is an accomplished journalist, while also a blogger with a sense of humor. Not all her posts are about humor, but she has a very soothing style of writing in all of them, which grabs you into the narrative.
- Stacey says that life’s not fun without offending a few people. Unless you’re one of those people, I imagine you’re gonna have a blast at her site.
- You should have visited this site yesterday. You really should have. However, in case that’s not possible anymore, you can try visiting now.
- Despite the name, it’s not the place you head to when you’re sleepy. You need to stay alert as you read through the zigs and zags of random things life throws at you. Her site is a tad bit difficult to navigate at first, but you’ll get the hang of it. You’re smart.
- Patrick Liew takes you through random things, or as he calls them, ranthings in life. That term is completely trademarked and copyrighted… as far as I know. But I hate – absolutely hate – how few articles he’s posted up there. If an award will bring him out of his shell, by God, I’ll give him two.
- Margaret’s amazingly funny blog is the one blog from this list that I’ve followed for several years. She’s a published author, an expert on the fine craft of blogging, and an effortlessly humorous, classy lady, despite how her goats are dressed.
- Sydney based humorist, Emma, gives an insight into how her brain works. No holds barred, no words bleeped out, it’s a mom blog with a twist.
The questions, should you choose to answer them, are as follows –
- What is the funniest thing that ever happened to you?
- What is a movie/ book/ band/ singer you’re ashamed of liking?
- What is your biggest weakness?
- If a woodchuck couldn’t chuck wood, why should it be called a woodchuck?
- If you could travel back in time to any time for a day, where/when would you go?
- Which was the last meal you really liked, that you did not regret having later on?
- How did you name your blog/ site? What’s the story behind that?
- Which book are you reading right now? How would you feel if I told you the lead character dies in the end?
- What do you consider to be your most unusual talent?
- If you had to pick individual characters from different TV series to create a new mix-n-match TV sitcom, which characters would you choose?
- If an alien civilization contacts you and says “Take me to your leader”, what would you do?